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Wanted: Instagram Bae
Many, many months ago, my former therapist asked me to make a list of qualities that I want in a hypothetical future partner. Many, many months ago, the list looked a lot like this: “1. some ? one ? who ? won’t ? hurt ? me ???…” But it’s been many, many months since then, and I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I’ve decided that…
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A Clean Start
If there are three words that New Yorkers hate more than “L Train Shutdown,” ~*shudder*~ it’s gotta be these three: “IT’S LAUNDRY DAY.” I was determined to start 2017 with clean everything: clean towels, clean sheets, clean clothes, clean throw pillows, clean Turbie twist. I even bought a bottle of Febreeze to de-stinkify…
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Why Are Job Interviews SO MUCH HARDER Than First Dates?
Which would you rather: a first date, or a job interview? As I’ve been going on quite a few of the former, I realize how much easier it was for me to walk into a first date. Any single, employed ladies wanna swap brains with me? Because I just cannot seem to nail this thing. As…
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Five Albums: Pearl
One of the fondest and fuzziest memories of my young life was when my dad woke me up and took me down to the basement late at night. He sat me on the ping-pong table, put his Iron Butterfly record on the turntable he’d just hooked up, and flamboyantly gesticulated the importance of “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” while…
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5 Disney Movies That Ruined Your Chances Of Having A Healthy Love Life Forever
1. The Little Mermaid: Is there anything more tragic than first love? If you learned anything from The Little Mermaid, it’s that your first boyfriend is worth betraying your family, leaving your home, and selling your voice to an octopus lady for. Yep, that guy you think is so cute when you’re sixteen is definitely…
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Periodical Thoughts
You know what’s awesome? Having the kind of terrible menstrual cramps that ruin your entire day (and sometimes the next one, too). The kind where taking Midol is a gamble: sometimes it works, sometimes you might as well swallow some Cadbury Mini Eggs and hope for the best. That was me yesterday. I had big…
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What The Hell Are You Doing For Valentine’s Day?
Oh Shit, it’s not only SUNDAY, it’s also Valentine’s Day? There is no fucking way you’re going to get a table at Five Leaves*, dude, not even if you sit at the bar. Kiss your endive and salmon mousse-filled dreams goodbye (RIP endive salmon mousse, you were the stuff of my dreams). Okay so now…
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I Love You, You’re Perfect, But…
Around Valentine’s Day, you see lots of sappy posts cropping up from coupled bloggers about how much they love their significant other, how they’re the greatest in the world, blah blah blah. This isn’t one of those. Well, obviously, all those other posts neglect to mention the fact that my boyfriend is clearly the best…
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Joshua Tree National Park, California
You down with OPV, Other People’s Vacations? I hope so, because you’re about to get photo-dumped! I’ve just flown back from California and BOY are my arms tired! We stayed in a dome that was decorated like the Brady Bunch vacation hideaway – swinging 60’s baby! Like Austin Powers’ dome-away-from-dome. I love the desert. …
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5 Things I Learned in 2015
I went through so many changes in 2015 that I had a hard time narrowing down just five things I learned. Instead of joking (whaaaa?! me, not joking?) about silly things like “I learned how to pencil in my eyebrows,” I took the high road by listing the serious lessons I learned in 2015. And…
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2015 in Review: Fourth Quarter
OCTOBER School Shooting Curriculum (10/5/15): “School used to prepare kids for the future: college, career, success. But now, schools should take new aim (all puns intended) to prepare kids for their actual future: getting shot…” Guilty Pleasure Wedding Reality Show (10/19/15): “Greg, this cake is what I’ve always dreamed of. I just can’t take a…
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This Thanksgiving, I am Thankful…
Last year, Thanksgiving, reflected in L’Escargot This Thanksgiving will be my second – SECOND! – with my boyfriend. Since we are planning to visit his family, chances of him reading this are pretty small, which is good. I’m not looking to get in any trouble, here. I just want to let everyone else know that…
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Unprotected Love
You play it safe and practice Protected Sex, but do you also practice Protected Love? I know I do. Dating is often referred to as a “game.” It’s easy to imagine it like a back-and-forth game of catch with your heart. You keep putting yourself out there, hoping your partner will grab your heart and…
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“That’s All”
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUs8D-xWUuA] Trying to make people like you is really hard. Trying to be funny, or outgoing, or smart, or whatever, it can be so much work. Trying, trying, always trying to be perfect, and then to be better than perfect, is exhausting. No wonder most days I’d rather keep to myself, phone it in,…
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Don’t Let Them See You Wash Your Face
Everyone, everywhere has an opinion about what you should not do in the presence of your SigOth (that’s SIGnificant OTHer, for the uninitiated). Most people agree it’s best not to pick your nose in front of your partner, and “pooping” seems to be there across the board as well, but there’s one horrific sight that…
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31
Believe it or not, I’m excited to be 31. I don’t even feel this old. I mean, granted, I get winded climbing a flight of stairs, but I still find this hilarious: I pinch myself all day long because I’m so incredibly happy. Everything is so sweet and wonderful for me right now. Turning 30…
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If I Dated Fozzie Bear…
Today we discuss what would happen if I, hypothetically, dated Fozzie Bear. Why date Fozzie Bear, you ask? Well, Kermit is unavailable, Gonzo is too desperate, Rowlf is clearly married to his career. And Doctor Teeth & Electric Mayhem? I’ve dated enough “musicians” (read: one) to know that’s a bad idea. PROS: He’s a bear! …
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Trader Joe’s Tuesday: Gluten-Free Plain Bagels
Trader Joe’s Gluten-Free Plain Bagels Tastes Like: These, you guys, are the best gluten-free bagels I have ever eaten! The texture of bagels usually comes from extra gluten, so making bagels that hit close to the right texture without gluten is tough. They usually taste like dry sponges. But these, guys, are so good I…
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Currently…in June 2015
FEELING: Relieved! Just yesterday my boyfriend and I moved in together! It took ALL DAY but now we’re staring at heaps of boxes of combined stuff that will someday be our home which is amazing! WATCHING: In anticipation of living with someone I love and respect, I’ve been getting all my trashy reality TV out…
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5 Fandom Friday: Nerdiest Things I’ve Ever Done
Time to spill the beans: the nerdiest things you’ve ever done! I pretty much think everything I do is pretty nerdy, and I’m pretty sure I’d get a lot of backup on that one as well. 1. Work for a walking tour company unlike some items on this list, I’m really proud of this! I…