Today we discuss what would happen if I, hypothetically, dated Fozzie Bear.
Why date Fozzie Bear, you ask? Well, Kermit is unavailable, Gonzo is too desperate, Rowlf is clearly married to his career. And Doctor Teeth & Electric Mayhem? I’ve dated enough “musicians” (read: one) to know that’s a bad idea.
He’s a bear! Bears are cuddly, virile, furry… if you’re in need of any further explanation, I’ll turn this over to an expert in this field, DaddyB:
Corny, but good jokes every girl wants someone to “make her laugh.” Fact! High priority in a potential mate is a “good sense of humour.”
Wears pink and bows and everybody knows that a man wearing pink is not afraid of his feminine side. Why, the bow is not only a fashion statement, it’s a sign of masculine security! He’s got nothing to prove…if ya catch my drift.
Very close to his mother ...so prepare to spend every holiday at her farmhouse.
He’s an aspiring comedian and you know what that means, ladies…having to support his standup career by attending open mic nights on weekdays! GROAN! You know why there’s a two-drink minimum on a Tuesday night? Free comedy. Free comedy, by the way, is never free.
Here’s how I see this relationship going: we go on a couple dates and hit it off. Hot and heavy at first, because don’t shame me, you know you want to cuddle that (woof!). He makes me laugh, and is desperate to please. After two months of seeing each other only during the day on weekends because I staunchly (take notes) refuse to attend open mics at 11:00pm on a Wednesday night I just won’t!, we’ll take an Amtrak out to Long Island to meet his mother. You didn’t know Fozzie is from Long Island? Please, that nasal voice? Anyway, eventually the strain of his odd hours trying to break into comedy will drive a slow wedge between us that all the cute texts in the world just won’t be able to compensate for. He’ll shed on my couch, and I’ll snap. It will be our first and last argument. That’s what I get for dating a comedian. Throw them in the lot with musicians!
Dear audience, if you could fantasy date a Muppet, who would it be? Sweet, wholesome Kermit? Wild, hairy Sweetums? Or would you throw in with a jerk like Sam Eagle? Hook me up.