1. The Little Mermaid:
Is there anything more tragic than first love? If you learned anything from The Little Mermaid, it’s that your first boyfriend is worth betraying your family, leaving your home, and selling your voice to an octopus lady for. Yep, that guy you think is so cute when you’re sixteen is definitely going to marry you and make you a princess. Thanks, Ariel, for making us a generation of young women who believed that we could all be teenage brides and live happily ever after. Fuck off.
2. Lady and the Tramp:
He’s a bad boy, but he’s not THAT bad! Everyone said he was no good, but you trust him more than your own family! What happens in the end? You get in trouble! Let’s hope your Tramp had a Pound Posse to rescue you from getting locked up when you found yourself in a jam.
3. Snow White:
What do you do when you see a man who can’t handle his own life shit? You clean his house! Multiply that times seven. Is it any coincidence that none of those seven men could take care of her needs? Nah, they can’t wake her up. But by all means, spend all your time taking care of those other dudes. NEXT!
4. Peter Pan:
Oooh the whimsical man-child! He’ll sweep you off your feet with his talk of magic and fairies, but where is this guy when you’re on the plank? And what’s up with that jealous Tinkerbell? This dude is double-dipping. Danger, danger! Run, don’t fly, away!
Yeah, I want to trust you. I’ve got all this baggage, though, isn’t that gonna weigh down this magic carpet? Okay, I believe you, I’m falling for you, and…it turns out you weren’t who you said you were. HAHA! That’s fine! I’ll settle for a two-faced liar! He’s the lesser of all the evils, after all!