Which would you rather: a first date, or a job interview?
As I’ve been going on quite a few of the former, I realize how much easier it was for me to walk into a first date. Any single, employed ladies wanna swap brains with me? Because I just cannot seem to nail this thing.
As you will recall, I worked out the precise formula for a pressure-free first date years ago.
First dates always made me excited! Sure, I’d be nervous, but it was the good kind of nervous: mind racing, wondering how fun it could be, whether I might have great time and meet someone I really liked.
For job interviews, I get the bad kind of nerves. “Oh my God, they’re going to hate me. They’re going to look down their noses and see right through me. I’m a loser, and as soon as they set eyes on me, they’re going to laugh at me inside their heads.”
On dates, there’s an even playing field. Maybe I’m even in control! If things aren’t going well, I can just leave. I have the power.
At job interviews, I’m like that little Oliver kid, holding out my resume like an empty bowl of porridge. Please, sir, can I have a job?
And then, there’s ghosting. I have ghosted (and been ghosted by) a fair number of men in my dating days. I don’t owe anybody anything, right? It ain’t that serious! Just one date?
But with interviews, somehow, the ghosting is WORSE. I’ll have a blast, shake their hand, and they’ll say, “We’ll be in touch in the next week!”
THERE! ^ THAT! On a date, you NEVER DO THAT unless you’re SERIOUSLY going to ACTUALLY text in the next week. Otherwise, you’re a DOUCHE.
So when someone asks me to go home and fill out pages of forms that take DAYS to fill out, and then I send it along with a “Please confirm receipt!” and hear NOTHING for weeks, am I not then to assume that I’ve been ghosted in the douchiest way? That’s like, if my date said, “I totally want to see you again! Read this book, write a short essay on it, and bring it to the corner booth at such-and-such diner on Thursday at 8:30pm for our second date!” and then they never show. So now I’m angry! I’ve not just been GHOSTED, I’ve been STOOD UP!
I just want to tell all these places that are stringing me along like, HEY, I get it. Also, I’m a tough-ass New York City bitch. I have BEEN rejected. If you don’t want to hire me, you can send me an email! Just hit “reply” and say, “Got the paperwork! Not interested!” I mean, you can even insult me, I wouldn’t care! “Thanks for doing all that free work, loser! We know you poured your heart and soul into it, agonizing over getting it just right, and we still don’t want to hire you! We may have never wanted to hire you! You’re ugly and under-qualified and we think your hair is stupid!” I can seriously take that, that’s FINE! That’s far less cruel than ghosting me after having me do 21 pages of spec work, and ignoring those follow-up “let’s touch base!” emails I sent. Just reply me with a damn frowny face emoji, I’ll get the hint! I promise!
I think that’s what irks me the most about dating vs. job interviews. I never dated ‘desperate.’ Sure, I got hurt a few times — hurt real bad — but it never broke me the way that this job search has. I’ve been cheated on, gaslighted, even got dumped on my own damn birthday once (true story), but I never felt desperate. With jobs, I become that awful guy I ghosted once back in ’12 who texted me every day afterwards begging me to give him a second chance:
“Hello prospective employer, was it something I said? I can change! Hear me out! I have such good qualities, just give me a chance! We could have such a beautiful future together! I could even see us getting a 401K together one day! Please tell me what I can do to make you want me?!”
I guess my heart has always been stronger than my ego. Which begs me to ask the question:
Should I put that on my resume? “Good at dates”? Think it would help me to get a job? Huh?
Please help me. I’m desperate.