What The Hell Are You Doing For Valentine’s Day?

Oh Shit, it’s not only SUNDAY, it’s also Valentine’s Day?  There is no fucking way you’re going to get a table at Five Leaves*, dude, not even if you sit at the bar.  Kiss your endive and salmon mousse-filled dreams goodbye (RIP endive salmon mousse, you were the stuff of my dreams).

Okay so now that you’re totally boned and have no idea what to do on Valentine’s Day with the love of your life (or on Galentine’s Day if you observe), I’ll step in here!  They don’t call me “Cupid” for nothing!  Actually, they say “Meghan, we’re concerned that you’re spending too much time on OkCupid,” but fuck the haterz, because as a result I am an expert on planning sick dates so let’s go!:

1.  Go to the Aquarium!  Dude, fuckin think about it: fish are chill as fuck.  I don’t think it’s possible to be stressed out at the aquarium.  The lights are kept super low for the marine life AND romance!  I make no bones about the fact that I think aquariums are hella romantic.  Watch some fish undulate.  Beautiful colours of jellyfish.  Sharks!  Cute penguins!  And if you can stomach the irony, grab some sushi afterwards.  I maintain that this is the funnest date and I will try to make this happen for myself soon!

2.  Netflix and Chill!  Yes, I DO MEAN “Netflix and chill.”  Pick a TV show that only has one season and marathon it, then role-play the characters in bed (Wash + Zoe 4evs sob).  Dress sexy (whatever sexy means to you, here’s some tips).  A little Netflix, a little chill…bring the laptop into bed with you!  TechnoGeeks: set up your home projector to broadcast it on your bedroom wall!  Use lube!  Nobody doesn’t like lube!  Have fun!

3.  Modern art!  The key here is MODERN ART.  Lots of people find dates are art museums intimidating: I mean, why not just go on a date at SCHOOL?  Modern art, I’ve found, has a lot more opportunity for FUN:  either it’s playful and goofy (MoMA PS1 has a GREAT show on right now, BF & I checked it out yesterday!) or more fun to make fun of!  Try to hide your giggles from the stoic docents in suits.  Ask your date, “What does that look like to you?”  Look for hidden dicks and vaginas in the expressionistic paintings.  Saucy!

4.  Expensive dinner AT HOME.  It’s Valentine’s DAY, so make a day of it!  If you, like millions of Americans, couldn’t get a dinner reservation, then why not give it your own go?  Maybe not endive and salmon mousse (or maybe yes?) but pick a recipe together that you’ve never made before and go for it.  Make your own pizza, heck, that’s fun!  You can buy dough at the grocery store and shape it into a heart.  So Instagrammable!

5.  Tourist in your own town!  I say this not only as a tour guide (and you would not believe how many people book a ghost tour for their honeymoon) but as someone who has a tour planned for Valentine’s Day as well!  Check Groupon, Living Social, TripAdvisor and Yelp for tours in your area – local galleries, factories, historical walks!  My boo and I are gonna get shattered at a local whiskey distillery and I am soooooo excited!

BONUS BONUS BONUS:  What if you’re single on V-Day, or your boo-thang has to work, or you’re one of those people who “hates Valentine’s Day”?  Here are TEN things you can do that aren’t ‘whining about Valentine’s Day on social media and outing yourself as the ultimate pooper of parties:”

1. Practice playing The Cure covers on your ukulele

2. Watch Bulworth on Netflix and weep for American politics

3. Scroll Facebook for whiners posting “I’m so single” as their status and wipe your forehead in relief that you aren’t among them

4. Mix up some simple syrup, make yourself a cocktail to drink in the bath.  Pour it in your tea.  Save it for Monday’s morning coffee.  Simple syrup will CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

5. Go to the drug store and snatch up half-priced chocolate boxes on sale

6. Cook a giant pot of soup and save it for meals this week because it’s going to get FREEZING.

7. Weed through your winter wardrobe for things you aren’t wearing, donate them to a charity shop.

8. Make up an interpretive dance to “Everyday Is Like Sunday” and send a video to your best friend for critique.

9. Paint your nails like cupcakes or pandas or cupcakes and pandas! 

10. Teach yourself how to knit on circular needles (easier than regular needles, IMHO, YouTube makes this a cinch) and knit yourself a flamboyantly bright beanie so when small children compliment you on it, you can say “THANKS, I MADE IT!”

Happy Valentine’s Day, my loves!  What are your plans?  Got any other great date suggestions? Leave me a comment!  Comments are better than roses, especially on Valentine’s Day! 

*Five Leaves = the super fancy and impossibly tiny brunch spot where Greenpoint meets Williamsburg, that had a line outside yesterday in -5 degrees Fahrenheit. Valentiners be CRAY, yo.  Don’t make your date stand outside in the cold, no matter how fucking unbelievable the endive and salmon is.

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