What The Hell Are You Doing For Valentine’s Day?

Oh Shit, it’s not only SUNDAY, it’s also Valentine’s Day?  There is no fucking way you’re going to get a table at Five Leaves*, dude, not even if you sit at the bar.  Kiss your endive and salmon mousse-filled dreams goodbye (RIP endive salmon mousse, you were the stuff of my dreams).

Okay so now that you’re totally boned and have no idea what to do on Valentine’s Day with the love of your life (or on Galentine’s Day if you observe), I’ll step in here!  They don’t call me “Cupid” for nothing!  Actually, they say “Meghan, we’re concerned that you’re spending too much time on OkCupid,” but fuck the haterz, because as a result I am an expert on planning sick dates so let’s go!:

1.  Go to the Aquarium!  Dude, fuckin think about it: fish are chill as fuck.  I don’t think it’s possible to be stressed out at the aquarium.  The lights are kept super low for the marine life AND romance!  I make no bones about the fact that I think aquariums are hella romantic.  Watch some fish undulate.  Beautiful colours of jellyfish.  Sharks!  Cute penguins!  And if you can stomach the irony, grab some sushi afterwards.  I maintain that this is the funnest date and I will try to make this happen for myself soon!

2.  Netflix and Chill!  Yes, I DO MEAN “Netflix and chill.”  Pick a TV show that only has one season and marathon it, then role-play the characters in bed (Wash + Zoe 4evs sob).  Dress sexy (whatever sexy means to you, here’s some tips).  A little Netflix, a little chill…bring the laptop into bed with you!  TechnoGeeks: set up your home projector to broadcast it on your bedroom wall!  Use lube!  Nobody doesn’t like lube!  Have fun!

3.  Modern art!  The key here is MODERN ART.  Lots of people find dates are art museums intimidating: I mean, why not just go on a date at SCHOOL?  Modern art, I’ve found, has a lot more opportunity for FUN:  either it’s playful and goofy (MoMA PS1 has a GREAT show on right now, BF & I checked it out yesterday!) or more fun to make fun of!  Try to hide your giggles from the stoic docents in suits.  Ask your date, “What does that look like to you?”  Look for hidden dicks and vaginas in the expressionistic paintings.  Saucy!

4.  Expensive dinner AT HOME.  It’s Valentine’s DAY, so make a day of it!  If you, like millions of Americans, couldn’t get a dinner reservation, then why not give it your own go?  Maybe not endive and salmon mousse (or maybe yes?) but pick a recipe together that you’ve never made before and go for it.  Make your own pizza, heck, that’s fun!  You can buy dough at the grocery store and shape it into a heart.  So Instagrammable!

5.  Tourist in your own town!  I say this not only as a tour guide (and you would not believe how many people book a ghost tour for their honeymoon) but as someone who has a tour planned for Valentine’s Day as well!  Check Groupon, Living Social, TripAdvisor and Yelp for tours in your area – local galleries, factories, historical walks!  My boo and I are gonna get shattered at a local whiskey distillery and I am soooooo excited!

BONUS BONUS BONUS:  What if you’re single on V-Day, or your boo-thang has to work, or you’re one of those people who “hates Valentine’s Day”?  Here are TEN things you can do that aren’t ‘whining about Valentine’s Day on social media and outing yourself as the ultimate pooper of parties:”

1. Practice playing The Cure covers on your ukulele

2. Watch Bulworth on Netflix and weep for American politics

3. Scroll Facebook for whiners posting “I’m so single” as their status and wipe your forehead in relief that you aren’t among them

4. Mix up some simple syrup, make yourself a cocktail to drink in the bath.  Pour it in your tea.  Save it for Monday’s morning coffee.  Simple syrup will CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

5. Go to the drug store and snatch up half-priced chocolate boxes on sale

6. Cook a giant pot of soup and save it for meals this week because it’s going to get FREEZING.

7. Weed through your winter wardrobe for things you aren’t wearing, donate them to a charity shop.

8. Make up an interpretive dance to “Everyday Is Like Sunday” and send a video to your best friend for critique.

9. Paint your nails like cupcakes or pandas or cupcakes and pandas! 

10. Teach yourself how to knit on circular needles (easier than regular needles, IMHO, YouTube makes this a cinch) and knit yourself a flamboyantly bright beanie so when small children compliment you on it, you can say “THANKS, I MADE IT!”

Happy Valentine’s Day, my loves!  What are your plans?  Got any other great date suggestions? Leave me a comment!  Comments are better than roses, especially on Valentine’s Day! 

*Five Leaves = the super fancy and impossibly tiny brunch spot where Greenpoint meets Williamsburg, that had a line outside yesterday in -5 degrees Fahrenheit. Valentiners be CRAY, yo.  Don’t make your date stand outside in the cold, no matter how fucking unbelievable the endive and salmon is.

11 thoughts on “What The Hell Are You Doing For Valentine’s Day?

  1. My guy and I ended up at IHOP eating pancakes because every smart couple in the city made reservations elsewhere. But I don't feel cheated because breakfast is the bomb any time of day πŸ˜€ And now it's time for Netflix…

    1. We did our Valentine's Day yesterday (to beat the crowds) and we walked past Five Leaves thinking the frigid cold would keep the crowds away but NOPE! There was still a line! No line, though, at my favourite Vegan diner, I had my favourite brunch dish of all time and they played 80's music that I SWEAR I burned onto a mix CD back in high school, it was the best. I love how every couple makes Valentine's Day special and about them!! Happy Valentine's Day !!

    1. Thanks! We totally weren't planning the museum, but after all that whiskey I was like "OMG MODERN ART" and we talked about what looked like chewed bubble gum to us – HILARIOUS!!! Happy Valentine's Day!!!

    1. Oh god YES. We did our Valentine's yesterday (to beat the crowd SMART HUH) and every time the wind leapt down my throat I just threw up double middle fingers in it's direction. My fingers were cold, but my heart felt warm knowing I was pissing the wind right back off. Musta been a lot of confused folks though, passing me on the street as I turned my face away from the wind and flipped the bird at the sky. Happy WarmValentines Day!

  2. Netflix and chill with some wine is how things are going down for us. We're chill as it is so we don't make a big deal out of Valentine's Day. I do like the idea of the aquarium though. Too bad the one here in Vegas is expensive as fuck and has too many tourists.

    1. Oof, I hear ya. Here in NYC it's hard to enjoy some of the typical fun spots because they're overrun with screaming babies and pushy tour groups. I mean, there's a whole NEIGHBORHOOD we've abandoned to the Tourist Zombie Apocalypse! Luckily the aquariumis so far down in Brooklyn that you're unlikely to run into tourists, at worst, maybe a school group. And the modern art museum we went to was in Long Island City, Queens! Even with the weekend, it was – not deserted, but not full. I'm going to the Met after my haircut today (in the neighborhood) and I'm already worried what crowds will be like ugghhhhhh…. thanks for reading & leaving a sweet comment!

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