Most people agree it’s best not to pick your nose in front of your partner, and “pooping” seems to be there across the board as well, but there’s one horrific sight that seems to be noticeably absent from these posts:
NEVER LET THEM SEE YOU WASH YOUR FACE.
Have you ever really, really, watched someone wash their face? Outside of the highly staged, perfectly backlit Clean & Clear commercials? Because that is not the reality of washing one’s face.
The reality? Your daily face is melting off (yes, with water, not with the Ark of the Covenant, but it’s essentially the same thing). Eyeliner and mascara rolling down your cheeks in streaky gray blobs like a watercolour gone wrong, globs of oily foundation resisting the water and caking up. It’s horrifying.
Here’s an experiment: find a mirror, and go wash your face. Look at what your face is doing. Does your face look relaxed and glamorous, Clean and Clear and under control? No. No it does not.
You’re squinting your eyes shut because you live in fear of accidentally getting a St. Ives apricot sty again like that one time in 2011 when you thought you might be blinded for life. You’re puffing your cheeks out and jutting your chin up and ugh. Nobody wants to see that. Nobody can love that. You’d best keep that shit far, far away from your SigOth, that’s for damn sure.
Honey, you look like you’re trying to drown yourself, only you’re really bad at it. Virginia Woolf called. She has a suggestion:
The next time you’re taking a risky but casual dump with the door ajar, be sure to close that sucker tightly and check the lock twice before washing your face. It just might save your relationship. You’re welcome.