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School Shooting Curriculum
Since school shootings are just commonplace now, with no end in sight, and “safety drills” aren’t effectively saving any lives, we must now resign ourselves to the fact that sending a child into the classroom to learn is in reality, sending them up before a firing squad. School used to prepare kids for the future: …
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Dress Code Rules
School is back in session this year and already a hot topic: DRESS CODES! What girls wear, or don’t wear, can make or break an educational environment. You see, without strict dress codes dictating what girls can wear, female students will just wear whatever clothes they feel comfortable in, just like the little unrepentent whores…
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The Hyde Amendment
The Year is 2015, and the House of Representatives has just voted to defund Planned Parenthood. “We don’t want our tax dollars to pay for abortions!” they wail. And that’s where I come in. To the concerned parties: Don’t worry. We will have/already had your back. In the year 2136, a group of Highly Talented…
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Blog Posts I Will Never Write
Hola! I’m in the desert (eek!) by the time you read this, so it’s not like I’m blogging anything at the moment. But for the love of clickbait, I swear to you, I will never write anything remotely close to these titles I see popping up in my feed all the time. Aren’t we all…
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Greetings and Salutations
The first step to meeting new people is saying hello. This is also the most dangerous step! There are so many ways to greet and be greeted and, if you’re awkward and terrified like me, these are fraught with peril. A simple, “Hello, nice to meet you,” can appear cold and frigid. People often want…
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Book Challenge
On the road to being considered “banned,” a book must first be “challenged.” Fun fact! When a book is “challenged,” it is debated based on its merits and themes, to be certain that it meets the same moral standards as put forth in fine, upstanding pieces of popular literature, such as the best-selling Fifty Shades…
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If I Dated Fozzie Bear…
Today we discuss what would happen if I, hypothetically, dated Fozzie Bear. Why date Fozzie Bear, you ask? Well, Kermit is unavailable, Gonzo is too desperate, Rowlf is clearly married to his career. And Doctor Teeth & Electric Mayhem? I’ve dated enough “musicians” (read: one) to know that’s a bad idea. PROS: He’s a bear! …
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Kill the Poor
When I quit my dead-end retail job to pursue the goal of becoming a teacher, I knew it would be hard. That’s why I didn’t leap at the dream the first time around. This year, I was offered a job that would put my foot in the door to achieving my dream. And as predicted,…
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Assemble!!!
I know it’s very trendy these days to throw around the phrase “I don’t cook,” but trust me when I say, I don’t cook. Oh, I could tell you horror stories about past attempts at such domesticity. Over-sautéed vegetables that taste like mush. Under-grilled fish that may have resulted in food poisoning. Burning the…
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But First, You Pay
I recently saw something on Facebook that struck me as fascinating and out of the ordinary: it was a debate about something other than Miley Cyrus. Seriously, can we stop talking about shit that doesn’t matter and talk about shit that matters only slightly more? Like the age-old question: WHO PAYS FOR DATES? A male…
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Blogtember #16: Review — Living Single
All the Single Ladies, Put Your Hands Up.Let’s be honest. Having a relationship is great, but being single is tha bomb. Whether you’re a veteran at being unattached or freshly dumped, you have to agree that it’s somewhat of a relief to be footloose and fancy-free! I even made a little poem about it! S…
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Blogtember #14: The Pants Problem
I believe you’ll know if it’s true love or not if you find yourself thinking all day about getting home to that special someone. Or some-thing. And I may have found true love. I bought these sweatpants from Kmart on Friday, September 6th. And they have taken over my world. All day at work, all…
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Blogtember #12: The September Issue
Today’s Blogtember prompt calls for “only photos.” I wanted to get a little meta with it: take photos of photos. See, my friend Matt and I always get together in the beginning of the fall to share Pumpkin Spice Frapps and ogle the September issues of the big fashion magazines. And then he moved away. …
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Special Delivery
Hiya, Internet! Didja miss me? It’s been one month of radio silence from me except for the random here-and-there phone post. Shudder! I finally received my charge cord in the mail from the UPS! Here’s a funny thing about the UPS: they claim to be a delivery service, but they don’t ACTUALLY deliver packages. On…
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How To Cook: And Instructional Haiku
Chuck it in a pan Set burner to “high” setting Wait for smell of smoke. When smoke arises, Flip and reveal your burnt food Angrily sizzling When smoke alarm bleeps, Rescue food from kitchen fire. Buon appetito! Source: curbly.com via Brandi on Pinterest
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Everybody’s Talkin’ Bout How To Survive A Bus Trip
Okay, so maybe bus travel isn’t as dramatic as back when Joe Buck rode all the way to New York City to find his dreams. But in the years since I’ve been traveling back and forth to and from NYC, I’ve been stuck in hours of traffic, rode through countless storms, and even been slightly…
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Facebook: Doin’ It Wrong, Part Two
Source: searchenginewatch.com via Lois on Pinterest I love Facebook, you love Facebook, we all love Facebook. But I think we can agree that it can use some improvements. And no, Zuckerberg, we are not (with all due respect) asking for another news ticker on the right-hand margin. Thanks, and no. First of all, if you…
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Winter Block Party
Hey Inconsiderate Neighbor! Do you LOVE block parties? The late hours? The screaming? The repetitive dance music with thumping base line? You must hate the fact that it’s winter, and too cold for block parties, huh? Well, NOT ANYMORE! Because I have a solution for you! Instead of standing in the cold street to scream…
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Thanks for the Consideration, MTA
Apparently, according to the MTA, the biggest problem facing New Yorkers is NOT the rising costs, the decrease in service, the unpredictability of the trains, higher cost and less service. It’s people getting hit by trains. People. Getting hit. By trains. Something that usually only happens of one’s own volition, or due to complete human…
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My First Kiss
Since it’s February, blah blah blah Valentine’s Day, blah blah blah getting mushy all over the blogiverse, I thought it was only appropriate to share this memory during this month The year is 2002. I am a flat-chested, acne-ridden, brace-faced senior in high school. So basically, not much has changed in 11 years, except…