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Run, Hannah, Run! Why Luke on #TheBachelorette Scares the Shit Out Of Me
I’m constantly triggered watching The Bachelorette because Luke — the “Bad Boy” of the season — is not only constantly picking fights with other contestants, he’s behaving towards Hannah with classic traits of a stalker. For one thing, I take you back to the Man Pageant episode at the very beginning of the season. Luke…
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Think I’m Going To Tear #TheBachelorette First Promo To Pieces? THINK AGAIN!!
Ok, I have made it very clear that I have Strong Opinions™ about Hannah B. as the 15th Bachelorette. I’ll be perfectly honest: I haven’t liked Hannah (B) ever since she couldn’t come up with a toast. I thought maybe, maybe she was just flustered in the moment, but her After The Final Rose/Hannah’s First Rose Ceremony tongue-tied…
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Who’s “Ready” for The Bachelor??
Bachelor spoilers ahead! It happens every season: after a certain point, the “fun” contestants have all departed, yet we still keep watching for some reason cuz we wanna see which Lauren B the Bachelor will stand on a beach and bequeath the Neil Lane diamond to. And I’m pretty sure, folks, we’ve reached that point:…
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So Colton Underwood Is The New ‘Bachelor’… Does ABC Just NOT KNOW Any NON-TOXIC MEN?!?!?
LaDiEs, who’s lining up to be strung along by ^^^THIS HUNK^^^ only to be dumped after learning that his feelings for you were all FAKED because he’s afraid of REJECTING WOMEN!?!?! Aaaaaany takers? In a shocking announcement last week on GMA, it was announced that Colton Underwood will be 2019’s lucky Bachelor. Raising the obvious question: does the ABC…
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A Pox On Arie
I’m still mad. Yep, hex the shit out of him. For, as I’m learning, men don’t mature. They just become salt-and-pepper human shitbags. You’d think that a man of 36 would be capable of having meaningful relationships? But, no. ICYMI, apparently, Arie (aka “The Worst Bachelor In History”), proposed to Becca K in…
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For Your Consideration: I Should Be The Bachelorette!
Attn: ABC, Bachelor Franchise, Chris Harrison, et al: You have a problem. Arie’s season debuted to record low ratings. People are turning away from the franchise in record numbers. You got your asses handed to you by Young Sheldon, for crying out loud! Let’s not even speak of the Bachelor in Paradise. Let’s NOT. Your show needs a new direction.…
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Forgive Me, My Faves Are Problematic
I, like many of you I’m sure, spend a lot of my free mind-wandering time wondering whether or not my faves are problematic. They are. Most of them are. Before I tweet about liking something, I’ll try to do a quick Google search to determine if they’re problematic or not. True Story: before posting…
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Paradise Lost
You know I’m #TeamCorn. Corinne Olympios was the “villain” of Nick’s season of The Bachelor. Although, in my opinion, NICK was the villain of Nick’s season of The Bachelor, but, you know, bygones. Just had a near death experience in the paper goods isle at target. It was very dramatic — Corinne olympios (@CorinneOly) May 5, 2017 I…
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The Barkchelorette
Oh hi, it’s me. Copper. I know you’ve only just met me in Episode 1 of Season 13 of The Bachelorette, but I’ve known Rachel Lindsay for a long time. We’ve spent more time together than Rachel & Fred did during their camp days. Rachel told Fred, “You always remember the bad ones.” But I’m not one…
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Alternate Bachelor Realities
It’s like The Bachelor, but it takes place inside an IKEA. It’s like The Bachelor, but with even more than three token non-white minority contestants. It’s like The Bachelor, but it’s about picking the perfect houseplant. It’s like The Bachelor, but with fluid sexuality and gender identities. It’s like The Bachelor, but for picking a…
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Nobody’s Having Fun On The Bachelor 21.6 — Not Even In “Paradise.”
Theory: Nick doesn’t want LOVE. He wants MISERY. That’s the only thing that could possibly explain his actions in this episode. But it makes a lot of sense if you consider his actions on Bachelor in Paradise! There, after one date with Amanda, Nick decided that they belonged together. Which would’ve been awesome, had Amanda felt the same way.…
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When The Bachelor 21.5 Stops Being Escapist Fun And Starts Becoming A Metaphor For America’s Almost-Certain Doom
The Bachelor used to be my escapism. Used to be. Maybe it’s just the greige-colored glasses I’ve been wearing since Jan. 20th, but this week’s episode just reminded me constantly that we — America — are totally, royally, hopelessly fucked. Let’s look at this season of The Bachelor so far as a parable for America: America, like The…
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The Bachelor 21.4 aka “Corinntervention” aka WHAT IS ‘REAL’?!?
Why is this show so LONG and so BORING? I don’t remember Ben’s season being this boring. I don’t remember Jojo’s season being this boring. Maybe it’s just harder to care about The Bachelor when the whole world is literally on fire. Anyway. This was the drama-filled, having-it-out, ‘if-Corinne-gets-a-rose-I’m-leaving’ episode we were promised with the teasers. Unfortunately…
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The Bachelor 21.3: in which I defend Corrine because don’t hate the player, hate the game, and the name of the game is CATTINESS
Corrine, Corrine, Corrine. That was the title of this past week’s episode, right? After the whole “Liz” thing, the ladies in the house find themselves without a united enemy, and so, they choose Corrine. Corrine took her top off at the photo shoot (where another girl was also topless)! Corrine interrupts other girls’ time with…
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The Bachelor 21.2: The One Where HEY did you know that Liz slept with Nick at Jade & Tanner’s Wedding????
Let’s be honest: The Bachelor is a long show where not much actually happens. Each episode is approximately two hours long, and until the point where we can list all the contestants off the top of our head, we don’t really care what happens. So it becomes necessary to pad out the episode. In this case,…
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The Bachelor Season 21 Ep. 1 Recap: “In A World Full Of Red Dresses, Be A Shark.” Or Dolphin. Or Don’t. Actually, Just BE YOURSELF
In the world of reality TV dating shows, it’s really important to stand out, be memorable. Ideally, you don’t want to be memorable as being the mumbly, annoying guy who came in second place three times. As I told my boyfriend last night while he watched the show with me (yeah, I don’t have a…