Theory: Nick doesn’t want LOVE. He wants MISERY.
That’s the only thing that could possibly explain his actions in this episode. But it makes a lot of sense if you consider his actions on Bachelor in Paradise! There, after one date with Amanda, Nick decided that they belonged together. Which would’ve been awesome, had Amanda felt the same way. Instead, she fell hopelessly and face-suckingly in lurrrve with JOSH, Nick’s nemesis from The Bachelorette. Instead of moving on or accepting Amanda didn’t return his affections, Nick spent the duration of his time in LITERAL PARADISE trying to bust up Josh & Amanda. Even Jen knew what Nick’s true intentions were. Poor Jen! But it proves my theory: Nick doesn’t want happiness, he want to be miserable.
Now, every single one of you viewers at home PERSONALLY KNOW SOMEBODY who would rather create turmoil in their romantic life than actually be happy in a relationship. Maybe it’s you! Whoever that person is, please take this segue break to silently mouth their name to your computer screen.
*silently mouths the name of person she knows*
Episode 6 starts off where the last episode ended: with a pissed-off and voodoo-powered Taylor “The Water Sign” hovering over Nick and Corinne’s private dinner with a side of No Eye Contact in what appears to be a burned out shell of a cathedral. #PhantomOfTheOperaVibes, table for two. Nick dumps Taylor for the second time, and then mopes back to dinner with Corinne with all the enthusiasm one would expect of a unqualified billionaire HACK whose illegal “Muslim Ban” was just struck down by the courts in a unanimous decision.
Emboldened by his dismissal of Taylor, Nick is clearly on an “eliminating girls” spree, because he returns to the rose ceremony, cancels the cocktail party (seriously, has he NOT cancelled the cocktail party yet ONCE this season? That seems to be his signature move) and makes the biggest mistake of the season: he eliminates the three most easy-going and fun ladies left in the competition: Jaimi, Josephine, and *sob* Alexis.
ALEXIS FOR BACHELORETTE — MAKE THE BACHELOR FUN AGAIN!
Having culled his group down to the Nine Women Most Likely To Cry On Camera, Nick announces that they’re jet-setting off to a TROPICAL PARADISE!
He has a one-on-one date with Kristina might objectively be the most uncomfortable one-on-one day so far this season. Under the guise of “getting to know her,” Nick goes Misery Mining into the most tragic part of her past. Holy shit. Kristina is all, “It’s very hard for me to talk about this,” and Nick is over there tallying up her unfortunate circumstances like “Yeah mm-hmm, you had a brutal life tell me more.” It’s exploitative and gross. Moving on….
The 6-on-1 group date puts us back into Bachelor perspective, where each of the six women successively has a breakdown over not getting enough attention from Nick. Okay, we’ve arrive back at a level of frivolity I’m actually comfortable with! Corinne goes off to take a nap (can a doctor examine Corinne? I worry about her napping so much, seriously) in the middle of the date, prompting Jasmine to fly off the handle and tell Nick to his face that she wants to choke him. By the time she can dial it back by pleading “I meant choke you sexually! Are you into that?” Nick is already slapping the back of the limo carrying her to the airport, screaming “Go! Go!” into the night. And another one bites the dust. Weird, when Raven talked about beating her romantic partner, Nick thought it was funny. Huh. Goes to show ya.
Then, there’s a disastrous 2-on-1 date. For those unfamiliar with The Bachelor franchise, let’s remind: a 2-on-1 date is a lot like Thunderdome: two women enter, one woman GOES HOME. Being picked for a 2-on-1 is pretty much like being chosen to fight your opponent to the death, which is why the forgettable Whitney and Danielle L. are so upset and incensed by being invited on this weird menage a trois. Whitney gets left on an island which is way harsh! Yeah, this was the first episode when I was aware of her existence, but being a wallflower doesn’t merit being abandoned on an island! That’s some Olivia-level revenge shit.
Danielle tries to force her way through the bad date that follows. My heart goes out to Danielle. I’ve been on those dates. If you want a visual for “trying to force chemistry,” just watch her clip. She gets sent home, too. Ouch.
Let’s recap: in the course of a single episode, Nick has slashed his cast in HALF. Nick’s six picks must have a “final girl” alarm going off in their heads, but how does one dump six women at the same time?
Oh, by walking out of the hotel and quitting. Awesome.
Final thoughts: Nick is a jerk. He won’t be satisfied finding love on television until he addresses the part of him that delights in his “woe is me, I’m the runner up” mentality that plagued him through Andi’s season, Kaitlyn’s season, and getting dumped by Amanda in Paradise. If Nick is looking for someone else to validate his desirability, he’ll never find it until he looks within and realizes that there’s really only one person he can turn to who will always love him, no matter what…
The American Broadcasting Company! What, who did you think I meant?