Christmas was ruuuuuuuuuined. When I was very young, it was the tradition to go to Christmas Eve mass and pick up a sheet pizza from Nirchi’s on the way home. Then, one year, we got a deep fryer…and discovered the joy of tempura. It was decided that this year, we would come home from…
Tag: metaphors
When The Bachelor 21.5 Stops Being Escapist Fun And Starts Becoming A Metaphor For America’s Almost-Certain Doom
The Bachelor used to be my escapism. Used to be. Maybe it’s just the greige-colored glasses I’ve been wearing since Jan. 20th, but this week’s episode just reminded me constantly that we — America — are totally, royally, hopelessly fucked. Let’s look at this season of The Bachelor so far as a parable for America: America, like The…
The Chicken, Or…?
Author’s note: this story came to me, in full, in a dream. I have no idea what it means, or if it means anything. I woke up remembering few details, but felt the punchline was worthy of being shared. The moral, I think, is that women cannot embrace a liberated attitude towards sex as long…
Patience
Patience fuckin’ blows. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m a New Yorker. We’re not exactly known for being patient. Are you a New Yorker too? Just in case, I looked up the definition of “Patience” for you: If you click for “more” synonyms, you’ll also get “sucker”Sorry, sorry, NEW YORKER! If you, out of morbid curiosity,…
The Princess and the Stalker
As I shared last week on Femnasty, it’s my 2-year anniversary of taking my stalker to the cops and getting an Order Of Protection. I shared about the situation and what happened a year ago, but I’m not done. See, the problem is, stalking like what happened to me is taught in all kinds of…
Body Acceptance Road Trip
Let’s go on a journey! ROAD TRIP! We’re on our Body Acceptance journey, gurl – just you, and me, the Nagging Little Voice Inside Your Head! And you’re in the driver’s seat – not food, not thinking about food, not wondering how many rice cakes is an ounce. Ugh! Whose idea was it to put…
Book Challenge
On the road to being considered “banned,” a book must first be “challenged.” Fun fact! When a book is “challenged,” it is debated based on its merits and themes, to be certain that it meets the same moral standards as put forth in fine, upstanding pieces of popular literature, such as the best-selling Fifty Shades…
Sunday Stealing + MY 1500th POST!!
HELLO, 1500th POST!Bonjour, Sunday Stealers! Welcome to my 1500th post! Why, just yesterday, I had hit my 936th post and now here we are! I’m just tickled pink and red and lacy and chocolatey that I’ve made it this far and still going strong!I can’t believe I’ve actually accomplished something so big and monumental as…
Used
While doing unabashed snooping for Valentine’s Day gifts, I asked my boyfriend what kinds of things he likes. That’s a pretty general question, right? His reply: Things that become more of themselves the more that they are used. Huh? Here’s a good example of this: we were in Pottery Barn a few weeks back and…
Baggage Claim
As I get older I talk less and less. ….about my baggage. There is some baggage that’s easy to claim. The nice stuff. The baggage where we triumph, the baggage where we learn to become the hero. That nice, rolling kind with the rotating 360 degree wheels. It’s easy for me to talk to strangers…
Love Is Like Bubble Gum
I. Love is Like Bubble Gum Love is like Bubble Gum. At first, it’s really hard. Then it’s SO SWEET. For like, a minute. And then it starts to break apart. But you keep chewing it because you don’t want to believe that it’s already over. And when you finally spit it out, you can…
Don't Get Mad, Get A Cactus
So it would seem I have a type. This is George. George is an Oreocereus celsianus, or “old man” cactus. He’s a bit abrasive and he mostly ignores me but I absolutely dote on him. I can hold him and twist his hair in my fingers and breathe in his spicy scent and he…