Letting go is terrifying in trapeze and in life.
I like to plan, obsess, mull, and muse. I keep my “Rolodex of Shame” well stocked and handy at all times. I need to know what I’m doing. I plan what salad dressing I’ll use for dinner before I leave work! And between this blog and my weekly therapy sessions, “gaining insight” is my hobby. My other hobby is taking long walks. And when I walk, I think. And when I think…I obsess.
Much as I love this city, sometimes it feels as though it’s a minefield of old emotions. Old places, familiar feelings, long past that I still harbor feelings of guilt and sadness over. Special places I shared with special people who are no longer in my life, or no longer with us.
As I draw near to my birthday, I wonder, “Is this getting old? Accumulating old memories and retracting steps over and over until you cease to live in the now and live entirely in the past? If I don’t hold my memories fast like a handbag, will they slip away from me?”
But I don’t have to do that. I have to let go and trust that my past is behind me, the future is ahead, and every day I move closer and closer to being the woman I always dreamed of becoming.