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Winter Block Party
Hey Inconsiderate Neighbor! Do you LOVE block parties? The late hours? The screaming? The repetitive dance music with thumping base line? You must hate the fact that it’s winter, and too cold for block parties, huh? Well, NOT ANYMORE! Because I have a solution for you! Instead of standing in the cold street to scream…
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Not Okay, Cupid. Not Okay.
Seeing as how it is Valentine’s Day, most of you are enjoying romantic dates with your cherished significant others. I, being insignificant, am single. And as such, I thought I would take this opportunity to regale you with some horror stories from the single side of life. Source: underware.nl via Magda on Pinterest I am…
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Learning to Love the Cyborg Within
On the subject of irrational fears, check out this fortune cookie I received the other day: The thing in us that we fear? I don’t know about you, but the thing I fear most is robots. Sorry, Rosie. Source: Uploaded by user via Devin on Pinterest Yup, robots. Specifically, very humaniod robots and/or cyborgs and/or…
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True Life: I’m Becoming a Narwhal
Let’s play an awesome game. It’s called, What Is Eating Me Alive??? Is it: 1. A spider 2. Mosquitos 3. Fleas 4. Mysterious blood-sucking fruit flies? Or is it possible that I’m merely sprouting a magical horn from my forehead that, when ground into a poultice, will cure diseases? And the questions just keep coming.…
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30DHN: My Family
Today is a scary morning. I’m waiting to see if I’m scheduled to work on Black Friday. If I am, it means I’ll be spending Thanksgiving, Christmas, AND New Year’s alone. No family. The funny thing about my family is that I grew up independent. I never really saw the importance of family. I wanted…
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Little Letters
Dear Spanish Karaoke: I appreciate what you’re trying to do there. But please, keep it between the hours of 10:00am and 11:00pm. This 2:00am and 7:30am nonsense is really inconsiderate. Sincerely, Ay Dios Mio. Dear Weather: I was hoping for a little autumn before we jumped right to winter. Coldly, Layering Up Dear Manhattan, I…
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Yoga in the Park with Yuppies
…yoga always makes me laugh to myself. no offense. but watching people do yoga is pretty hilarious.
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Gonna Make You Sweat
Question: I would like someone who is a capable adult to tell me whether or not it’s okay to use deodorant everywhere. Like EVERYWHERE. My walk from the train to work goes across Central Park + 4 additional blocks. During that journey, I will invariably become completely drenched in sweat AND THEN, I have to…
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The Accent is on the Accent
This embarrassing true story happened to me at work a few weeks ago. Let me preface by saying that I have somewhat of a hearing difficulty…perhaps when I can afford insurance I’ll see a doctor and diagnose the level to which my hearing has deteriorated thanks to sirens, horns, trains, and midnight fireworks – but…
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Bugging Out
Confession: we have bugs. This is New York City! Helloooo! Everyone has bugs…or mice…or rats…or toilet snakes! Exhibit A: Bug seen on counter, near oh-so-precious coffee maker!!! Exhibit B: Bug seen in cupboard, near plates and SPLENDA! Exhibit C: BUG ON THE COUCH. My Fortress of Solitude! My Bat-cave! Needless to say, the last breach…
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True Life: Bad Haircut
There are worse things in life. Far, far worse. But maybe the stress of juggling jobs, eating too many meatless corn dogs and too much Speculoos, and PMS made me go a little crazy today… While getting a trim, I tried to communicate what I wanted to the stylist and I guess I did a…
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Bridalplasty
Much like the time I watched a 16-wheeler get stuck under an underpass, Bridalplasty is just one of those things you know you shouldn’t watch but you just can’t help staring at and talking about. Everything about this show is repulsive and demeaning. It preys on women’s personal insecurities while also feeding into the celebrity-…
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April Fool’s!
Well, I feel pretty April Fooled. Trying to buy a single roll of toilet paper (!) at Duane Reade, my card was declined. Twice. And the guy looks at me like I’m insane, not having the 99 cents for toilet paper. Uh, turns out my debit card expired. April Fool’s! Then I try to pick…
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The Schedule Dream
DOES ANYONE ELSE still have The Schedule Dream? IN HIGH SCHOOL, a few weeks before the new year, you would receive a schedule with the list of all the class times, subjects, room numbers, and teachers that you would eventually commit to memory and attend in a daily manner. IF YOU LOST your schedule, you…
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Reunited and it Feels So Good?
It’s coming up! That day you plan outfits for all your life. The time you look forward to since you’re a little girl in school. The big day you plan to emerge from your chrysalis and take on the scene as a grown woman and all eyes will be on you. This spring will be…
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Dress Yourself
Question: How old were you when you learned to dress yourself? You probably don’t even remember, because you were so young! I know I had a “Dressy Bessy” doll to teach me how to button buttons, snap snaps, lace laces, zipper zippers…uh…you get the idea. Arms over the head, shirt on. Pants, one leg at…
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Fears
I have a fear of losing control. I have a fear of being helpless. I have a fear of not having my feet firmly on the ground. No, literally! I hate being suspended, or hovering, or not being able to see my safety net. It’s terrifying! Gusseted by my brave friend, and the sugar high…
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Takin’ It To The Seats
There is an epidemic of rudeness on the A train whereby people – hell, MEN – take up more than one seat by deliberately spreading their legs apart. This is just NOT OKAY. Some of them may not be aware that they are doing it, while others…well, they must relish in being enormous jerks. Like…
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Brooklyn, You’re OK
“I like the island Manhattan Smoke in your pipe and put that in!” – Stephen Sondheim, West Side Story (cut him some slack, there’s not a lot that rhymes with Manhattan, okay?) If you know me at all, you know the disdain I have for Brooklyn. Not PEOPLE FROM Brooklyn. Remember, I was a bridge-and-tunnel…
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Stuff I Just Don’t Understand The Appeal Of
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