Never Read The Comments

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Cheese and crackers, guys!  I thought I’d scraped the absolute bottom of the Internet, but it turns out there are even more frozen layers than I realized!

Since I started my internship, I’ve been learning so much about online journalism!  Namely, to never, ever, ever read the comments!  Here are some examples of the unadulterated, No-Sugar-Added Haterade that has been poured over my shoulders:

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“How can you complain about X when there are bigger problems in the world?”

Well you know I’m just a writer but you’re absolutely right!  I’m going to grab some test tubes, run to the Lab and get back to work curing cancer, cleaning up the polluted oceans, and conquering humanity’s never-ending losing battle against death!

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“This is sucky journalism! The author quotes the subject directly, but she doesn’t know what he was thinking when he made those offensive comments!  Maybe he meant it differently than the way it came out.”

Admittedly, I am not a mind reader.  As I have said, I am only a writer.  Because I am only a writer and not a mind reader, I can only quote people on what they say, and not what they’re thinking.  I cannot comprehend, because I do not read minds, what made you think I was a mind reader, but obviously you’re not a mind reader either, or you’d know that already, now, wouldn’t you?  Being, as you are, a mind reader and all.

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“I hate this article because it is dumb.  Also I hate fat people and this author is crazy and she hates men and she needs to get a life.”

Wait – you didn’t read it at all, did you?  You wrote a comment, but you didn’t even read the piece you’re commenting on!  Listen buddy, I taught reading comprehension to 12-year-olds for nine months, you think I don’t know when someone didn’t do the assigned reading?  If you were in my study group, I would give you and F and send a note home to your parents for putting forth zero effort in my class.  They would ground you until you brought your grades up, and you’d avoid making eye contact with me in class because you blame me for failing you, even though you earned that F all by yourself.

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Bibbidy-bobbidy- BOO HOO haters.  Guess what?  I’m not only not reading your comments anymore, but your comments actually have the opposite of their intended effect!  The more time you comment and share my article (that you still haven’t bothered reading, BE HONEST), the more popular it becomes!  If you really wanted to hurt me, you’d gargle with that Haterade and rinse my name outta your mouth!  See?  The internet really is magic, after all.

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