Bonne Bell Lip Smacker Horoscopes

Strawberry:  This is a time of renewal for you.  This month you will
order a sandwich and they will put onions on it, even though you
specifically asked for no onions.  You will pick the onions off one by
one, but a few will slip through and as you bite into the errant
offending onion you will think, “it’s time to make a change in my
life.”  You will realize you have become a person you no longer recognize.  Then you will throw away that sweater you haven’t worn in three

Pink Lemonade:  You are full of creative energy this month.  You will
contemplate channelling your new energy into a dance class when you
rediscover that song you listened to all the time back in September 2012
and mentally choreograph a dance routine to it as you listen to it on
repeat during your commute.  You catch yourself performing your dance on
the subway platform one night and as your face turns from red to
purple, you decide maybe you’re not ready for dance classes after all,
and skip to the next song for the first time in 28 days.

Vanilla:  Take special care of yourself this month.  Someone will sit on
your coat and you’ll be too embarrassed to move it.  You will look over
and see this stranger’s handsome jawline and wonder what he does for a
living.  You imagine he works in an open-concept office for a tech
startup, and imagine what you’d talk about over a glass of wine.  You
imagine dating him, meeting his family, marrying him, having children
with him, fighting over whose set parents to visit over Christmas – and
then he gets off the train a stop before yours.  So take care of
yourself, it’s never easy to have loved and lost.

Dr Pepper:  an old acquaintance reaches out to you this month, causing
you to wonder, “is this guy trying to fuck me?” Independent research
will reveal the shocking fact that your best friend knew for years that
this guy wanted to fuck you in 2006, but he didn’t tell you, and she
didn’t make a big thing out of it, so you must decide.  You stand now at
the crossroads:  do you hit “reply,” knowing he may or may not want to
fuck you? Or do you hit “ignore,” knowing he may or may not have wanted
to fuck you?

Cherry:  This will be a very lonely time for you, as you will discover a band that was popular 20 years ago for
the first time and you feel like a teenager again but nobody remembers
the band or they were too young to know who they are.  You try to steer conversations towards that band, but nobody understands just how great they are. So lonely.

Cotton Candy: This month, many questions arise as the new girl at the office that you have a huge crush on has been
very friendly to you so you ask her out to
drinks but you worry she thinks you meant drinks like ‘friends’ and
not drinks like a date so you consider asking her out to dinner but it’s
too late to change the original invitation so instead after drinks you get dollar slices of pizza because now it’s a date right? So many questions!!

Grape Jelly:  this month, your sense of smell will be “off.” The
breakfast cart bacon stars to smell good, the halal cart you usually
inhale deeply of nauseates you. Your laundry comes back smelling of
Chicken Soup with Stars, and your usual favourite perfume suddenly
reminds you of Cheerios in sour milk. This curious affliction will
persist until the end of the month, so I recommend carrying a bottle of
sesame oil at all times to whiff deeply to re-center your balance.

Watermelon: you are filled with a warm sense of love that you want to
share with the world this month.  You will buy a sundress, convinced in
the store that you “love it,” but when you get it home, you discover
that your amorous spontaneity was short-lived, and you don’t wear the
dress for two years, until it comes into fashion suddenly and

Kiwi: You will come so close to buying a puppy this month.  Closer than you’ve ever come.  Intellectually, you know that puppy mills are terrible, but when you see him lying in the pet shop window, staring at passersby with a mixture of disgust and ennui, you will feel as though no human ever understood your feelings towards humanity as much as this Pekingese puppy does in this moment.  But you’re on your way to work, and you can’t just show up at work with a new puppy.  This month you learn responsibility, the hard way.

Tropical Punch:  You will experience a period of tense conflict when your friend from high school and the first semester of college before she transferred away posts an opinion on Facebook that you disagree with.  You Unfollow her posts, but remain friends, as you think “how could she,” and just when you work up the nerve to tell her off over it, you find she has deleted the post, leaving you with built up tension you have nowhere to release, so you watch The Bachelor Finale to yell at Ben Higgins through the screen.

2 responses to “Bonne Bell Lip Smacker Horoscopes”

  1. I LOVE this idea! So cute! Starfruit was my personal favorite, but Kiwi was a close second. Apparently I am going to get a puppy this month! Woo! 😀 Missed you buddy!

    • YAY! OMG my favourite was either Dr Pepper or Pina Colada, but apparently THEY DONT MAKE PINA COLADA ANYMORE?!?! The saying is true: you CAN'T go home again.

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