You’re driven! You’re talented! You’re a self-motivated, self-described “overachiever”! You’re currently unemployed. You’re still passionate about finding a job where you can put your skills to work, live your best life, create something you can be proud of and be rewarded for your attention to detail and zeal for perfection!
But you’re getting a little impatient. So you’ve started considering other options. And when those options don’t respond to your applications, you’ve considered other options. And while you’re waiting to hear back from them (any day now, I’m sure!), you might want to take a look back at some of the options you may have ruled out along the way:
Writing Papers for College Students for $$$
You’ll be great at writing college papers because you were Dean’s list every single semester in college and graduated with a GPA of 3.84! WOW! Can you believe you don’t have a real job yet? It’s been ten years since graduation, but APA style is JUST like riding a bicycle – especially for someone who was Phi Beta Kappa for four whole years! Time to put that Liberal Arts degree to actual use by writing college essays for CASH! Face it: if you HAD the money, you’d probably be going back to school for a more lucrative degree, so think of this as testing the waters for your re-entry into the world of academics!
Foot Fetish Model
While the industry for English and Literary criticism has reached a glut, the booming Foot Fetish model industry just keeps growing – just check Craigslist! A little up-front investment in a nice pedicure will go a long way towards success as a work-from-home Foot Fetish Model! You’ll be a natural because you were the star of the senior class play in High School! Everyone unanimously voted you Most Likely To Be In Hollywood, so this is *sort of* like that! Is that the finely-pedicured foot of a loser who never lived up to her potential? These rose-pink toenails with raw egg between them beg to differ!!
Street Team for Social Awareness Causes
You used to look at the poor college grads bundled up on the sidewalk in freezing temperatures, hustling for social change and donations with a mixture of pity and exasperation, but now, as your prospects for gainful employment dwindle with each “To Whom It May Concern” email you send, try looking at them as bastions for social change! You’re sure to at least get THIS job, since you won the gold prize for selling the most Girl Scout Cookies in you Brownie troop in third grade! If you can convince Mrs. Altman down the block to double down on her order of Thin Mints, you can surely convince a yuppie on the street to donate $10 to save indigenous whales! You can feel good about yourself, even if you can’t feel your fingers anymore!!
Keep plugging away at those Wanted Ads, Girl!! I just know someday you’ll land yourself a job where you’ll be rewarded for your special brand of uniqueness and hard work that used to bring you success and gratitude! There’s no use looking back…unless you’re looking for that picture of yourself in the Prom Court from junior year to attach to your application to sell your eggs on the Dark Net.