I Got The Power

I wanted to pop in a week after this post and give you an update on my medical situation, but since then, the health and welfare of the entire country has gone critical.

I can’t believe it actually happened, but Tr*mpcare passed the HOR. REALLY?! I mean, HOW?!? We have to stop this from passing the Senate. I’m hopeful, but not exactly confident, considering just how wildly everything has gone awry in the political sphere ever since we split off into the BerenstAin Timeline.

IT IS CRUCIAL that our Senators know that this bill, which sucks SO BAD that Congress don’t even want it for themselves! Cannot pass, because it could basically preclude ANYBODY from getting healthcare thanks to this week’s BUZZ WORD: “Pre-existing Conditions.” Let’s let an actual SENATOR explain, tho:

So basically, if you have any of these things on your medical record, insurance companies on the “free market” can charge you obscene amounts of money, huh? Well, this must be EXTREME circumstances, you know, when they say “High Risk Pools,” they probably mean people with HIGH RISK diseases, right? Thanks to Sen. Sherrod Brown tweeting the list of GOP-approved pre-existing conditions, we learn that LIVING is a pre-existing condition. Tweet by tweet.

In the first alphabetical tweet ALONE, I have two of those pre-existing conditions. I sought treatment for acne (thus, a formal diagnosis) in 2015, and I was diagnosed with ADD/ADHD when I was in second grade. Seven-year-old ME really FUCKED ADULT ME over by being bad at those timed-tests for in math class! STUPID STUPID STUPID! We continue:

OH NO! Before you even get into the B’s, I’ve got FOUR pre-existing conditions in my medical records, well FUCK ME.

 

But speaking of ME, I *did* go to the walk-in doctor a week ago when my arm was numb from the elbow down, and I left with a referral to a specialist and a ten-day supply of pills. After calling THREE SPECIALISTS, I finally found one that ??MIGHT?? take my insurance, and got an appointment for mid-June. Now I just have to ration out ten days’ worth of pills across six weeks! Hooray! Meanwhile, wondering what’s wrong with my arm, how they’re going to fix it, what it will cost, and how my life is about to change.

Oh, and my arm fuckin HURTS LIKE HELL and I still have to go about my daily life. Work, errands, heavy lifting, and blogging about how likely it is that very soon, my very access to health care and treatment could be in dire peril.

 

So what do we do when we lose our medical coverage? What happens when we get sick? How do we cope with our pre-existing conditions when we can’t afford the luxury of “conventional” medicine anymore?

 

 

Two words.

 

POWER BRACELETS.

 

Blue Lace Agate, for healing, via Ebay

 

Yes, Power Bracelets are an ancient form of alternative medicine dating back to the 1990’s somewhere. ’95? ’96? I’m not sure.

Do they have healing properties? No.

Do I wish they did? Yes.

 

Labradorite, via ebay

 

If my “acute onset of persistent paraesthesia” (quoted directly from my discharge papers at ModernMD Urgent Care) doesn’t go away, will it get worse? I don’t know. What will happen to my right arm, my dominant arm the one I use to write with and work and put on cateye eyeliner with? I can’t imagine.

 

But I CAN put bracelets on that arm! I can prescribe myself Amtheyst for Healing, Lava Stone for Strength, and Hematite for Stability — for when the pins & needles in my hand make it go numb & tremble.

 

maybe turquoise is good for acute paraesthesia or whatever I can’t even pronounce this sh*t it’s so painful. Via ebay.

 

Look, we TRIED getting health care the sensible way — through Congress. But have we tried being un-sensible? Nonsensical? No, we fully haven’t. That’s why I plan to turn this sow’s ear into a silk purse, and ride this wave of misfortune all the way to the bank. When you need health care under the Tr*mp administration, you can come see ME, and I’ll string you up a bracelet of whatever you need to fix what ails you. Heart defect? I’ve got Ruby Ziosite for that. Vertigo? I’ll fix you up with some Tiger’s Eye, for Balance. Multiple Organ Failure? Let me drape this Red Jade on your comatose wrist. Maybe it’ll work, probably it won’t. But it’s the only health care you can afford, so what else are you gonna do?

 

actually, just buy all of these, just in case Republicans ban poor people from accessing New Age healing totems in 2018. They just miiiiiight. via ebay.

 

$5 a pop, I’ll be stringing these Power Bracelets and selling them as long as I can, until my dominant arm falls off and I’m forced to stop. What?!? I don’t know what’s wrong with my arm! I’m not a doctor! Sorry, my bad, doctors don’t know what’s best for healthcare. Let me rephrase that: “I’m not a Republican lawmaker!”

 

 

amethyst power bead bracelet up top via ebay. lustworthy. Buy me this.

2 thoughts on “I Got The Power

  1. Make me one of those bracelets STAT. Get it? STAT?? Like doctor talk?? You know, since we’re speaking about–whatever–I’ll be on my way now…
    PSYCH! Here I am again. I have many many many conditions and so basically, I’m a goner. Some days when I see that my succulents are not doing very well, I tell them, “Hey me neither my dudes.” But lately they are really not having it. I think they are some kind of gloomy soothsayer plants, reminding me my days are numbered. My grandfather is 87 and he will probably outlive me because a succulent told me so. Okay but really, I’m actually very frightened and I’m glad there are people like you to make light of the situation a bit. Unless my succulent tells me otherwise…I’m going to go “clean” my closet to see if I can find one of those bracelets. I realllly hope your arm feels better!

    1. Thank you so much for this comment. I was despairing to my therapist for (what is it now, six months?) since the election and I think it’s finally turned a corner where I can joke again. But fuh reel, I will totally bracelet you up if you like 😉

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