In 2016, I applied for literally every job under the sun. I only got one of those jobs, but that’s because THIS job hadn’t been made available yet. And speaking of “under the sun,” it involves outer space.
NASA is hiring a Planetary Protection Officer. Someone to protect the world from aliens. It’s obviously the perfect job for me!
Now you may be asking, “Meghan, exactly HOW are you qualified to save the planet from aliens?” And the answer is, I’m not. But I’ve watched a lot of science fiction, and if my vast consumption of the genre has taught me anything, it’s that lack of qualification is the very thing that qualifies planet-savers to save a planet.
Why, I’m just as faulted and feckless as Rose Tyler, Donna Noble, Amy Pond! Russel T. Davies, hit me up! I’m every bit as qualified as Arthur Dent, and he’s, you know, heroic or something! I’ve got as much planet-saving experience as Star-Lord, so, why not?
They say the job requires diplomacy. OH MY SHIT, I have got diplomacy oozing out of my ying-yang. I worked in retail for TEN YEARS. If you think negotiating the safety of the human race is hard, try working for commission in New York City! Like, it doesn’t even compare! You think the day the aliens invade is gonna be a dark day for humankind? Well, there’s no way it could be “darker” than BLACK FRIDAY AT MUTHAFUCKIN TARGET, y’all.
I’ve watched literally hours of Star Trek: The Next Generation, most of Farscape, and ALL of Battlestar Galactica four times all the way through! On top of all that, I’m charming, quick-witted, kind, and creative. I’ve done Odyssey of the Mind! C’mon, NASA! Since when does being unqualified for the position disqualify anyone from being catapulted to a position of incomprehensible power? It’s 2017, the sky’s the limit for mediocrity, and this is the perfect job for an ordinary, well-meaning schlub like me!
image via NASA, appropriately enough. Part of the job description is being able to recognize the planet Earth. Nailed it!