FEELING: Completely numb. It’s funny, I read back over last month’s “Currently” post and remember how desperate and stressed out I felt. I feel like a week after I wrote that, things took a massive turn for the better, and things started looking hopeful, and then immediately plummeted back into terribly depressing territory. If October was a roller-coaster where I screamed my head off, then November is the second time around the track where I’ve got my arms folded across my chest in a defiant “I don’t care anymore” pose. After the shit month of October I had, November can’t possibly go any worse. I guess that’s the up-side, right? Trying to look at the positive.
WATCHING: I’m still so obsessed with watching back all of Zoella’s vlogs that I hardly even noticed that I had to stop paying for all my streaming services because I’ve become so broke. Yippee, thanks for being a free service, YouTube!
LISTENING TO: My go-to calming-me-down music this month has been a Spotify playlist I made of all of The Beatles albums in chronological order. Now that Halloween is over, the next big “Meghan Holiday” is December 8th, when I go sing Beatles songs in Strawberry Fields at Central Park. I am for sure going to know all the lyrics to all the songs by then, at this rate. Even the obscure ones, dude. Like “Misery,” which has been so much fun to sing as I’ve been, like, um, fucking miserable.
READING: I literally have not picked up a single book this month. I’ve been spinning my wheels nonstop on the job applications. I feel like I’m going to reflexively start beginning all my sentences with “To Whom It May Concern.” Like, I’ll just walk up to the cashier at Rite Aid and be like, “To Whom It May Concern, is this toothpaste included in the $1 off sale? Thank you for your time.”
WORKING ON: Still applying for jobs, still getting absolutely nowhere. It’s especially disheartening to spend hours writing a passionate and carefully considered cover letter to a company you really want to work for, trying to convince them you’d be a devoted employee who will do everything to help grow their company to have them respond half an hour later with a message saying “That’s cute, you jibbering idiot, but we’re looking for someone else.” Ouch. I just don’t even know what to do anymore.
THINKING ABOUT: Applying for unemployment and food stamps. It’s been over eighteen months, I’m broke as hell, everything sucks. More on this tomorrow, but I truly feel as though my brain is broken and I’m living in a fog of a nightmare where nothing makes any sense.
EATING: Quesadillas. As I said last month, corn tortillas are like $2 for 30, and if you buy the cheap cheese in bulk, it’s pretty cost-effective.
LOOKING FORWARD TO: You got me on this one. No idea. I would say “for things to get better,” but it’s been so long since anything got even close to “better,” so I’m not even looking forward to anything.