The Popsicle Zodiac
Pink: Total hedonist. You enjoy only the finest things in life. Your bed has no fewer than six pillows. That’s four pillows more than necessary, and you know it. Your most frequent recurring nightmare is the one where you realize your favourite designer handbag is actually a knockoff.
Blue: You were the first kid to start wearing your baseball cap sideways. You’ve signed every yearbook that crossed your desk, “Have a nice summer.” You got detention once a month, for having a messy locker. You’ve tried cocaine and LSD, but draw the line at heroin because it’s too “trendy.”
Green: Punk’s not dead. It’s you. Nobody knows what green tastes like, and you don’t care. You’ll look a Blue right in the eyes as you rip off your green and bite into it. Maybe you’ll let it melt, then use a safety pin to pierce a hole in the bottom and suck the juice out while you listen to The Cure and secretly wish you had the courage to make more friends.
Red: You played soccer and have the “Participation” trophies to prove it. Tradition is your friend. Creativity is not your strong suit. Green scares you. You’ll probably vote Republican in another 12 years. Or inherit a car dealership from your father.
Orange: How did you get stuck with orange? All the other ones were taken. I’ll say that for you, you’re adaptable. You’re also really nice. You’ll have the hottest spouse at the high school reunion, and nobody – not even Blue – ever saw that coming.
Purple: What evil incarnate picks a purple popsicle on purpose? I hope we never have to meet.