Are you an Extrovert? If so, LEAVE THIS PLACE. This is not for you.
Great, now we got all the Introverts? Guys, woah, ease up! I’m not going to hurt you! I am one of you! Well, most of the time. See, I think I might be a “Confused” Introvert. And you might be one, too.
Here are the signs of “Confused” Introverts:
1. Your phone rings and you’ll let it go to voicemail … but if your boyfriend is on the phone in the other room, you’ll shout “Who is it?! Say HI for me! Ask about the ski weekend! Oh, shit, just give me the damn phone.”
2. Talking to stranger on the subway? No problem! Making friends with strangers is easy! … but when it comes time to call your OWN friends, it’s somehow intimidating and impossible! How ’bout we wait until they call us?
3. It’s been weeks since you actually hung out with another human outside of your home on purpose … but you have a rich internet life, including Twitter friends you speak to every day, and that girl from your hometown who you send funny dog pics back and forth with on Instagram (HI AND PLZ NEVER STOP SENDING ME DOG PICS I HEART YOU)
4. STAGE FRIGHT?!? What’s STAGE FRIGHT?!? Let me at that microphone, I was born for the stage! … but on Karaoke night, you got so nervous when it came time to hand in your slip, your shaking hand dropped it into your watered-down, overpriced Jack + Coke.
5. You dip in and out of Twitter chats like a graceful bird … but the thought of going to happy hour and making small talk with your boyfriend’s coworkers takes all day to psych up for.
6. You bust your ass applying for every job that’s hiring … but when they contact you to offer you an interview, you never get back to them because you’re afraid of “blowing it” now that you’re “so close!”
7. You’ll blog about anything you like, always fearless and off-the-cuff, spilling your heart to millions of strangers on the Internet without a moment’s hesitation! … but if you’re writing an important email, you’ll send it to three friends to proofread first with the subject line “OMG is this stupid UGH please help me not be a loser”.
8. Something irks you on the Internet? Take to Twitter! Your fingers aflame with passion as you put your heart behind 140 characters demanding JUSTICE! … but if the restaurant forgets your side of extra mayo, you won’t bring it up because you don’t want to upset anybody, besides, they’re probably really busy and don’t need to hear your whining.
9. You’ll spend hours crafting the perfect turn of phrase for a blog or a tweet or a text … but if you had a nickel for every time you replied to “What’s up?” with a “Good, how are you?” or blustered out a “Thanks you! I mean, Thanks! Thank you!” when flustered, your wealth would rival Donald Trump’s.
10. You preach acceptance and go out of your way to tolerate everyone else’s opinions … but if someone disagrees with any of yours, you’ll cry into a pillow all night over it!
If you recognized yourself among these signs, don’t panic! No, I mean it! It’s seriously okay! All you have to do is find more confused introverts to watch movies with in complete silence, and you’ll be set! How? Set up a trap in a local park with a box, a stick, a string, and an iPad opened to Twitter. Coax your trapped Introvert out of the box with a palm full of trail mix and offer to buy them a Venti latte. Avoid direct eye contact and small talk, and you’ll make a new Confused Introvert friend in no time!