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Pedophobe
The way I understand it, babies are sacks of goo that can erupt at any moment. That’s why we swaddle them in diapers, plug them with pacifiers and suction their noses with tiny little turkey baster things. No offense intended, I’m sure your sack of goo is just delightful. He/she may very well have a…
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How To Meet Cute Boys On The Subway
Step One: Follow him onto the train like the scent of a pie cooling on a windowsill. Situate yourself where you have a perfect view. Step Two: Stare. Drool. Step Three: Silently will them to look up at you. Bore your eyes into the side of their head until your gaze becomes palpable to him…
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Don’t Try to Copy My Swagga
Dear Sir, I appreciate your look. Belted cinched fur coat, dirty Chuck Taylors, slouchy disaffected glare. I liked it even better when I WORE IT FIRST. Thanks ever so. Love, The Original Fierce Gangsta
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Do The Right Thing
I think I have a bit of a “Hero Complex.” Last week at work, near closing time, a young teenaged girl approached me with wet eyelashes and red nose, asking if anyone had turned in a white iPhone. Instead of just telling her “no, none such phone has been turned in,” I led her around…
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Thanks for the Consideration, MTA
Apparently, according to the MTA, the biggest problem facing New Yorkers is NOT the rising costs, the decrease in service, the unpredictability of the trains, higher cost and less service. It’s people getting hit by trains. People. Getting hit. By trains. Something that usually only happens of one’s own volition, or due to complete human…
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Say Something
Source: retronaut.co via Dayle on Pinterest “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is an important announcement from the New York City Police Department. Protect yourself. If you see a suspicious activity on the platform or train, DO NOT KEEP IT TO YOURSELF…” I cast a glance to my left. There was a bag sitting by itself on…
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Duck…Duck…Sauce
I see a lot of bizarre things on the subway. I mean, you know that. Exotic dancing toddlers. Pop and lock squads. Michael Jackson impersonators. People eating soup. That one almost takes the cake. Speaking of food, what’s that on the floor? Why, it appears to be a lone packet of Duck Sauce? Oh, why,…
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Bon Mots from the Crazy Guy on the Train
“There are two reasons I don’t drink from the toilet anymore: Number One, and Number Two.” “I can’t stand sitting and I can’t sit standing.” “I have good news and bad news for you.” “What is it, doctor?” “The bad news is, you have three months to live.” “What’s the good news?” “The good news…
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All You Single Ladies!
Attention, “Females”! Don’t despair in being single and lonely! Come to New York City, where “maybe romance” is just around the corner! Well-adjusted men with not just one, but TWO telephone numbers are waiting to meet YOU for “one nite stands” at such classy cultural establishments as “the library,” “bookstore,” and “a cigarette meet date”!!!…
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Voyeur
Perhaps it’s a sick hobby, but I adore people-watching. Birds all look the same. People are amazing. We’re frail and guarded and vulnerable and stoic. Never more so than on the subway. It’s such a bizarre conceit: we’re all crammed together, sometimes so tightly that we touch, but we’re bound by social constructs not to…
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Takin’ It To The Seats
There is an epidemic of rudeness on the A train whereby people – hell, MEN – take up more than one seat by deliberately spreading their legs apart. This is just NOT OKAY. Some of them may not be aware that they are doing it, while others…well, they must relish in being enormous jerks. Like…
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Beat Poetry, OR the Ravings of an Unstable Lunatic?
Endless coverup of the Ponzi scheme Look at this white trash prostitute putting on airs. Welcome to the Ponzi scheme Carrot cake Carrot cake for your girlfriend Gail And Susan and Ellen and the whole coven of white trash prostitutes. Ponzi scheme Source If you guessed “Ravings”, you’d be 100% correct!!!
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New York, I Love You
Source “Thank you for the seat,” the lovely blonde woman smiled politely at the tall, white-haired man who now settled onto the bench next to her. “It’s such a long trip from 59th to 125th Street, you see what I was saying?” He nodded politely, friendly: “Where are you getting off?” “207th,” she offered. “Oh,…
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Personal Space
Coming home last night at 10pm, I met my favourite neighbors in the lobby on their way out to walk their dog. As I always do when coming home alone after dark (which is now 5pm, thank you Daylight Savings Time), I had my trusty pepper spray in my hand in the “ready” position: flap…