Bon Mots from the Crazy Guy on the Train


“There are two reasons I don’t drink from the toilet anymore:  Number One, and Number Two.”

“I can’t stand sitting and I can’t sit standing.”

“I have good news and bad news for you.”
“What is it, doctor?”
“The bad news is, you have three months to live.”
“What’s the good news?”
“The good news is, you have Alzheimer’s.  Go home and forget about it.”
“I have good news and bad news for you.”
“What is it, doctor?”
“The bad news is, you have 48 hours to live.”
“What’s the good news?”
“The good news is, you should receive our bill in about three days.”
Three men are sitting in a hospital waiting room, and a doctor comes in.
“Mr. Lifschitz!  Fantastic news!  Your wife just had twins!”
“What a coincidence!  I work for Doublemint!”
Another doctor comes in.
“Mr. Green, your wife just had triplets!”
“What a coincidence!  I work for 3M!”
The other men gets up and starts running out of the room.
“I’m getting out of here!  I work for 7-Up!”

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