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Love Letter to Law & Order: SVU
Law & Order: SVU has been on television for 17 Seasons – the age of legal consent in New York State! What? Don’t act like you’re not in love with SVU, and don’t act shocked! It’s been 17 seasons of twisted plotlines, tense standoffs, mistaken identity, snatched babies and jaw-dropping twists. SVU is the longest-lasting…
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Open Letter to Cosmopolitan UK – Let Me Introduce You To A Blogger
Look, CosmoUK! A Blogger, drinking coffee! Woah woah wait, call off the hounds, I only wanna talk to you. Okay so by now we all know what you, Cosmopolitan UK, said about bloggers, there’s no need for me to even link to the article to give it more pageviews. Maybe there are shocking cultural differences…
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5 Years Later
Five years ago, I sat on a cold marble bench, I watched this tree twinkle under the arch, and I got the phone call. It still doesn’t make sense to me, that you’ll never be there again. You were always there. Sitting in the back row, pulling up the street, the corner booth in the…
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Staged Photos on Social Media
Dear Blogging Community, It has come to my attention that several members of our social media circle have been accused of staging photos. I, for one, am shocked. As you can see from my unstaged, unfiltered reaction photo above. That’s real life, people! Excuse me, I’m so rattled, I need to go for a walk…
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The Hyde Amendment
The Year is 2015, and the House of Representatives has just voted to defund Planned Parenthood. “We don’t want our tax dollars to pay for abortions!” they wail. And that’s where I come in. To the concerned parties: Don’t worry. We will have/already had your back. In the year 2136, a group of Highly Talented…
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To The Infant I Couldn't Stop Staring At In The Laundromat
hi, little guy. I hope I didn’t creep you out by staring at you in your impossibly tiny sweatsuit. I doubt if you even noticed – your eyes wide and flicking all over the room, pausing on each new amazing sight to process and file it away. everything is new and nothing is taken for…
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Ugly Naked Gal
An open letter to the creep pointing and laughing at me from across the alley: Dear Jerk, So you’ve noticed I like walking around my apartment naked. Yes, when home alone, I walk around my apartment naked. I’m sure most people do. I’ve been walking around naked at this particular address since August 2012. Here…
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Tiny Bed
Tiny bed, I love you. I grew up in double beds. Full-sized. Living like a Queen. I must admit, when I picked you out at the Ikea outlet, I was a bit panicked. Would I ever be satisfied with such a small bed? WOULD I EVEN FIT IN SUCH A SMALL BED? No, I can’t…
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Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid
One month ago, while trudging through what The Weather Channel described as a “severe” rainstorm to deliver a ghost tour, just hours after having the outline of my chest tattoo done, I realized that I am kind of a badass. Look at me, a year ago. I was terrified I wouldn’t be able to live…
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Missed Opportunity
Things I Should Have Said to the Random Asshole Who Called Me a “Pale Skeleton” and “Anorexic” After Swearing At Another Random Woman, Making Kissy Noises, and Insulting Her Race: “Mind your own business.” “Watch it, loudmouth.” “Who asked you?” “Learn some respect, asshole.” “Yeah, go home and have a wank over me.” “If that’s…
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Dear Readers
Dear my small and mighty few, Thank you for following me. Thank you for living alongside me. Thank you for being the one-sided pen-pals that we are – I send my missives and musings out into the ether, and you listen to me. You stand to gain nothing, and yet you cleave to me. Thanks…
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Don’t Try to Copy My Swagga
Dear Sir, I appreciate your look. Belted cinched fur coat, dirty Chuck Taylors, slouchy disaffected glare. I liked it even better when I WORE IT FIRST. Thanks ever so. Love, The Original Fierce Gangsta
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Open Letter / Plea to Instagram Users
Hi guys. I’ve happily been one of you for over a year now. In fact, the main reason for finally obtaining an iPhone when I did was so I could join the Instagram craze. I’ve been known to say “Instagram that shit!” And other snappy phrases such as, “I’m gonna Gram this…Instantly!” My love affair…
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30DHN: A Friend I Adore
My newest and closest friend deserves a tribute today. She has been having ups and downs and deserves to be told how wonderful she is. Which I try to do every day. Which is easy because I live with her. My new roommate is beautiful. Multi-talented, generous, and full of life. She doesn’t judge me,…
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Ode to My Shoes
Dear Aubergine Converse: Thank you for carrying me all over town in comfort and style. I never thought shoes could be both comfortable and cute, both trendy and personal, until I began wearing you all over the place. When I lace you up to take on the world, I feel fully together, fully dressed, fully…