When I saw the film Girl, Interrupted as a teenager, I was convinced that it was the scariest film I’d ever seen in my life. I watched it once, I doubt I ever will again. That movie ruined the song “The End Of The World” for me (you know which scene I’m talking about). Ever since that first and probably final viewing, my worst nightmare — and the scariest thing I can imagine happening to anyone — is slowly losing control of my mind.
These days, it feels like that is exactly what is happening to me. Like nothing around me makes any sense. I actually feel like I am going crazy.
I’m working with my therapist to rebuild an identity for myself because it feels like the year and a half of unemployment has shattered any sense of self I once had. I actually can’t remember the last time I felt like a functioning adult, and when I look back on it, I start to doubt it. I find it impossible to reconcile the past Meghan who was so independent with my current, helpless state.
I feel like people see me as this fragile thing, incapable of functioning in the world. People ask things like, “How are you doing?” or remind me to “Be careful!” and “Stay safe!” I’m sure you all mean well when you remind me to “Keep an eye on this!” or “Watch where you’re going!” but to me, it feels like gaslighting. Now, I’ve started to doubt everything, second guessing myself. I hear them in my head when I turn on the stove, “Be careful! Watch where you’re going!” flashes into my brain and I start to fret. I can’t do this, I can’t do anything, I’m going to hurt someone or break something.
Because I have been trying, so hard, for so long, and in so many different ways, I’ve started to become frustrated! Desperate! I’m confused! Why is everything going so wrong? I have exhausted my own personal stock of ideas and now I’m grabbing at nonsense. What if I do the exact opposite of the thing I would normally do? What have I got to lose? Why is nothing working out for me? In my topsy-turvy nonsense world, it’s perfectly logical: when everything has stopped making any sense, the only solution has to come from madness.
On top of that, all the hallmarks of depression: loss of appetite, inability to get excited about the things that used to bring me joy, feeling numb and unable to register emotions normally. This election isn’t helping either: seeing the world slowly falling apart has added to my agitated state. Maybe it is “The End Of The World,” maybe it isn’t. I don’t even think I care if it is. So I guess we’ll see where this goes.
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