Field Guide to Female Friendships
Women! Who can begin to understand them? Male philosophers, psychoanalysts and stand-up comedians have tried to comprehend and explain the way the female brain works. If these men of science have such difficulty understanding women, what hope is there for mere women? The resulting paradox is that many women have difficulty making friends with other girls. This is a tragedy, because making friends with other girls can be a very rewarding hobby.
How, exactly, does one befriend a girl? We look to mainstream media for answers and the result have been quite surprising. Research indicates that female friendships are fickle, feigned, or outright fraudulent. Below is the Field Guide for Female Friendship, as defined by our extensive research into how female friendships are defined in TV and movies:
Approach with caution
The best course of action is to make an assertive, but not aggressive, approach. Do this by complimenting her hair: “I love your hair!” If she says, “Thanks!” it is an invitation to follow her back to her den, the Women’s Toilets. There, you will continue to compliment her hair until you have successfully befriended.
If a girl attempts to befriend you in the wild, protect yourself by playing submissive. Lie face down on the ground with your hands and feet spread wide apart and announce: “I’m not good at making friends with other girls!” If you are successful, she will help you to your feet and air-kiss both your cheeks. WARNING: Never assume the submissive position with your arms against your side, as she may mistake you for a snake, and attempt to bludgeon you with a barstool.
Stick to the script
A woman is a deeply ritualistic creature. Like a wolf cub, she is comforted by routines, such as picking apart her personal appearance and howling at the moon. To communicate effectively with your female friend, you must take part in the ceremonial exchange of self-loathing. How does this happen? Much like crickets rubbing their legs together, your girlfriend will stand in front of a mirror and initiate with: “I hate my thighs!” Your response must indicate that you wish to participate:
NO! — “Your thighs are lovely!”
NO! — “You’re a beautiful, intelligent woman and your thighs have no impact on that.”
YES! → “Your thighs are gorgeous, my nose is an abomination against nature!”
Once you are familiar with the rituals of female friendship, you can complete the dance of picking apart your own flaws to complete the shallow exchange that reinforces your mutual insecurities. If you do not understand your role in the exchange, your friend may leave you by flying to a higher branch in the tree, shunning you from the community of women.
Make her feel special
You know that your girlfriend is exceptional. When discussing other girls with your exceptional friend, be sure to remind her that she is the exception. Female bonding occurs when a pair of women separate themselves from the other females in the pack to talk shit about what wanton whores they are. “Other girls are such catty bitches…but not you, Stef!” She must understand that making friends with women who are not you would be a bad choice. Keep your friend close by reminding her that other women are tramps and sluts and Regina Georges. Comfort her that she is not like them, and neither are you, and your BFF will be grateful and terrified to leave your side. This allows you to maintain dominance and a standing Sunday brunch date. Rest easy knowing she definitely isn’t getting mani-pedis this weekend with that promiscuous wombat from her office that she let slip one time “seems kinda cool.”
Isolate your girlfriend from men
It is widely known that the number one imperative of all girls is to select a male to invite back to her nest and become engaged to in front of Cinderella’s castle. Women: they only want one thing. Sadly, like the mantis consuming her mate after copulation, the appearance of a ring on your girlfriend’s finger signifies the death of your friendship. You will find that she has “changed” and you can no longer relate to her once she begins to insist that you “be happy for her.” It is a sad fact of nature that women are incapable of being happy for each other, especially when taffeta and seating charts are involved.
Introduction of a male into the friendship triggers a change in your girlfriend’s brain chemistry. Your interactions will become strained when her shifting hormones cause her to believe that you are “just jealous” or even “out to get her man.” Women cannot psychologically handle both relationships at once, and one of the two must end. Good luck, and may the person who held her hair out of the trash bin on the subway platform when she puked up 4.5 gin & tonics and a street hotdog last September, win.
Congratulations on your new friendship with a girl! She will LYLAS* and be your BFF**, provided you keep her at arm’s length. I don’t want to sound too judgemental here, but girls can be pretty judgemental. Not you, Karen! You’re a total babe. I love your hair.