Introducing: the Femternet!

Ladies, ladies, ladies!  Tired of logging on to the Internet for personal, educational or professional use only to be inundated by the following ‘minor’ annoyances?:

  • mansplaining
  • unwanted sexual advances
  • targeted harassment from complete strangers
  • death threats
  • doxing
  • having to move your family because of doxing
  • losing your job over targeted online harassment
  • sexual harassment
  • unsolicited photographs of penises

Unfortunately, North American courts have upheld that “free speech” protects a man’s right to relentlessly harass and threaten a woman as much as he wants, and it’s time to do something about that!  That’s why we created the Femternet (patent pending)

Yes, it only takes a few hours to set up the Femternet, but once you’re there, you’ll reap the benefits of a LIFETIME of harassment-free Internet use!  How?  It’s simple!

The Femternet is a female- and female-identified-exclusive Internet space.  That’s it!  Imagine the Internet, without all the men!  Pretty crazy idea, right?

Without men on the Femternet, its users are able to complete a variety of tasks completely uninhibited by the threat of harassment from men!  The possibilities are ‘virtually’ endless!

  • send emails
  • research
  • look up directions
  • purchase concert tickets
  • have opinions on social media
  • share photographs with friends and family
  • send a photo of your dick to a stranger along with her Grandma’s address and a threat to mouth-rape her until she chokes and dies

HA!  That last one was a trick!  You can’t do that on the Femternet, because if you did, that would mean you’re a man, and the first (and actually, only) rule of the Femternet is NO MEN ALLOWED.

So, are you sold yet?  Well, I haven’t even mentioned the best part!  The Femternet will be a completely cost-free, self-sustaining service courtesy of its users, the 51% minority of the human population.  Why?  It turns out, women actually don’t enjoy being harassed, and they’re willing to do almost anything to be able to use the internet without:

  • being pestered for nude photographs
  • being called “sensitive” by ongoing unrepentant harassers
  • family pets murdered by strangers who searched their personal information online
  • being told to “get off the internet” if they can’t handle the above because they’re “too sensitive”

Isn’t it time you “got off the internet”?  Now you actually fucking can, thanks to the Femternet, patent pending, available now only in your wildest fantasies!


10 responses to “Introducing: the Femternet!”

  1. As sad as I will be over being shut out of the Femternet, you have reminded me why I'm glad to be a man.

    1. Good news, Drew! The creators of The Femternet have forseen this issue, and are working on a firewall to enable the creation of Femternet 2.0, which will allow male- and male-identified users as long as they pinkie-promise not to slit our cat's throats over our opinions on the Oscars or sneak into our apartment windows while we're sleeping and rape us over our enthusiasm for Taylor Swift. It's a complicated piece of programming, but we're hard at work trying to figure out the best way to ensure safety on the Femternet 😉

    2. The next issue I foresee is a man whose penis resembles a pinkie making a false promise to gain entry to the Femternet. This would be doubly disastrous, but I like the path you're on and wish you good luck.

    3. Thank you! As long as we can't make laws to punish people for harassment online, because that would be weird and we haven't needed to update harassment laws since 1931 when that dude got in trouble for Morse-coding his penis to random women across the country through their Morse code home machines….???? Well we'll just have to get creative.

  2. You ok? You're writing a lot more, which I love, but are any of these things happening to you? Can I virtually hug you or kick some ass on your behalf?

    1. Haven't these things happened to you? It's ridiculous. Go on Twitter and say something like, "My heart goes out to the parents who lost their little angels at Sandy Hook" and you'll get like, a net-full of dicks and someone will call you a libtard. I'm tired of the law saying "We can't keep up with technology!" which is BULL. Anyone who's ever asked their teenager to teach them to program the VCR knows it's possible to keep up with technology IF YOU TRY. The fact that this case merely emboldened the harassers because they know there will not be consequences frightens me.

  3. Someday I will do an installation of 3D printer forms of unsolicited dick pics. A roomful to walk through.
    Saving for a 3D printer.

    1. You should apply for an artist's grant to make this a reality. I'm sure someone will offer $$$ for this to be real. This is fantastic.

  4. Yes, sign me up! Instead I've just been keeping my head down and signed out of Tumblr. I would even pay for a mute button for annoying fuckboys, men's rights activists, racists, and Donald Trump.

    1. This would seriously be my dream! I got trolled this morning in the dumbest way, I tweeted at a cute puppies account on Twitter and some random dude called me ugly? Like wow. How unnecessary. I just want to be able to use the internet to look at puppies without someone being a petty jerk – oh and by the way I totally blocked him. I know that's mild compared to some of the harassment women endure but I think it's a good example of how doing ANYTHING on the internet provokes backlash from men trying to make women feel bad.

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