Let’s go on a journey! ROAD TRIP! We’re on our Body Acceptance journey, gurl – just you, and me, the Nagging Little Voice Inside Your Head! And you’re in the driver’s seat – not
food, not thinking about food, not wondering how many rice cakes is an
ounce. Ugh! Whose idea was it to put serving sizes into ounces?! What am I gonna do,
buy a food scale? Okay, I’ll buy the scale, but if anyone asks, it’s for selling cocaine, okay?
Stop #1: Fueling Up
Okay let’s gas up the car and get some road snacks! Diet soda? Are you kidding me? Didn’t you read the Buzzfeed atricle “How Diet Soda Is Making You Fat”? What about seltzer? Oh, those bubbles make me bloated! Plain water it is! Snacks? Oooh, I love chocolate! But so many calories! Sugar-free gum? Gurl. Didn’t you hear that chewing gum triggers your brain’s feeding complex and actually makes you hungrier, DUH! Let’s buy a tube of Starburst and eat one every hour. That’s sixteen calories, if we chew them really slowly!
Stop #2: No Rest for the Wicked
Next rest stop in ten miles! Pull over, I’m going to go for a run, I’ll meet you there. No, I’m SERIOUS! I need some fresh air. Sunshine! What are you talking about, ‘am I punishing myself for eating a Starburst’? Uh Excuse ME! I’m not forcing myself to run to the point of exhaustion just because I ingested four calories of pure sugars and complex carbs, ugh, haha NO! I love the outdoors! And running! And … this highway! It’ll be an adventure! Okay, meet you at the rest stop in, say, two hours? Bye gurl!
Stop #3: Does This Make Me Look Fat?
Phew! That was exhilarating! My legs are shaking, I’m glad to be back in this car except…haha funny question, does this seatbelt make me look fat? No, it’s cutting into my stomach weird, that means I’m fat, right? I can try to suck it in…that’s it, I just won’t inhale until we get there! Haha! Which is soon, right, because I’m starting to feel queasy from all that running and barely eating all day… Oh man, we might have to stop and get some food somewhere!
Stop #4: The Rock Bottom Diner
Okay, I’m starving! What should I have? A salad? I know I should have just a salad you know what I read the other day?? I read that some salad dressings have as much sugar in them as ice cream! So I guess the salad’s out…man, I can’t decide! But I guess I’m on vacation, right? Haha! Okay, I think we’re ready to order: I’ll have a grilled cheese sandwich. Do fries come with that? Okay, and fries! Oh, can you make that tater tots, and add a side of ranch dressing? Oh and a milkshake! It’s been ages since I’ve had a milkshake! Chocolate milkshake, now that you’ve got me thinking about ice cream!!!
Stop #5: Hitting the Brakes
HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU LET ME EAT ALL THAT!?!?
Stop #6: Bargaining
Okay, it’s not the worst thing. I just won’t eat anything tomorrow. I can have coffee – with Splenda, no sugar, no milk. I’ll just sleep in late and go to bed early so I won’t be hungry. Go for a long walk in a wealthy part of town where I couldn’t afford to stop to eat even if I was desperate for food! Ride somewhere on the train really far away so I couldn’t eat anything even if I wanted to. Day after tomorrow, I can have a rice cake, but JUST ONE. If I go in for another one, SLAP it out of my hand. I’ll weigh myself after that and it’ll be okay, everything will be back to normal.
Stop #7: Making Amends
Look, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I yelled at you before. I shouldn’t have involved you in my weird food…issues. I guess I just have a problem…like, a control problem. I lost control back there, and I’m sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’ll stop obsessing. I promise.
Stop #8: Relapse
(mindlessly unwraps a Starburst, pops it in her mouth, spits it out) GODDAMMIT I WAS DOING SO WELL!!!- wait, where are you going? You need to stretch your legs? What the fuck does that mean, ‘stretch my legs’ are you implying something? Like I need to go to the gym because I’m fat? Don’t talk to me, just don’t even talk to me right now, I’m going to sit here and eat your Starburst because I’m fine and you don’t even know me and like I don’t have a problem at all I’m totally normal okay? Everybody thinks about food and dieting like all the time it’s just what people do and that makes me normal and healthy so fuck you, fuck ‘stretching your legs,’ don’t even talk to me until we get there. I’m serious.
Stop #9: We Have Arrived At Our Destination, Maybe
Um, I guess I oughta thank you. I should be nicer to you cuz you get me around and do lots of nice things for me and I haven’t been really kind to you at all. Hey – let me buy you a drink! Here…white wine has only 110 calories per glass on average… No, you have that cocktail if you want it. It’s fine. You’re fine. I’m sorry if I ever said otherwise. Hey – they’re playing our song! Let’s dance – just for fun! Hey! Remember fun without guilt? This trip felt a lot shorter than I thought it would, and I don’t want to fight any more. Truce?
… to be continued …
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