The Twelve Freakouts of Christmas, pt. 2

For the 7th Christmas Freakout My True Love Gave to Me:  The I Just Want to See the Rockefeller Tree Without Getting Trampled By Tourists Freakout

“Is the entire population of New Jersey AND Connecticut here ALL at the SAME TIME?  Who’s watching Long Island?!?  Hold my damn purse, I’m going to crowd-surf to the front to take my frickin’ tree selfie!  That’s four blocks away.  Send help if you don’t hear back from me in 36 hours.”

For the 8th Christmas Freakout My True Love Gave to Me:  The All I Want For Christmas Is That One Thing You’re Sold Out Of Freakout

“What do you mean, if I wait two months you might be able to back-order it?!  I need it in time for Christmas!  Hello?!  CHRISTMAS??  Maybe you’re heard of it?!?  Next year, you might wanna mark it on your calendar, because I have a funny feeling people are gonna want to BUY THINGS AS PRESENTS and maybe, just maybe if you HAD THOSE ITEMS IN STOCK, PEOPLE WOULD BUY THEM!  Hello?  Customer service rep?  Hello?”

For the 9th Christmas Freakout My True Love Gave to Me:  The I Didn’t Realize We Were Exchanging Gifts This Year Freakout

“Aww!  Thanks, Linda from Accounting!  This is my favourite chardonnay!  I just didn’t realize we were doing gifts?  We haven’t, you know, ever done ‘gifts’ before so I didn’t get you anything but I swear I totally will!  I will go to the mall tonight and bring you back a gift tomorrow!  Just as a guide, um, how much are we spending on each other, here?  Do you happen to have a corkscrew?  I do love wine!  Ha ha!  You know me so well!  Lovely gift, I think I’ll start to enjoy it right now.

For the 10th Christmas Freakout My True Love Gave to Me:  The It Doesn’t Feel Like Christmas Yet Freakout (December 23rd)

“Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, and it hasn’t snowed yet.  I’m trying to work up to a ‘Merry Christmas’ but I’m still stuck at ‘Meh-‘.  I’m doing everything right!  I’ve wrapped the presents, trimmed the tree, I’m drinking Peppermint Mochas every day!  But still, all I feel is malaise.  And bloated.”

For the 11th Christmas Freakout My True Love Gave to Me:  The It’s My Party Now Get Fuckin’ Merry Or Else Freakout (December 25th)

“Somebody
damn well better eat these cookies I baked them for you bitches and I
am not bringing the whole tray home and eating them alone again this
year!”

For the 12th Christmas Freakout My True Love Gave to Me:  The Christmas is Over and Everything is Back to Being Terrible Freakout (December 26th)

“Have you checked Facebook yet?  He bought her a puppy and tied the ring to its collar!  Unbelievable!  He Lady and the Tramp-ed her!  Who’d have thought my last seven single friends would all get engaged over Christmas?  At least I have these leftover cookies.  And I think there’s still a glass-worth of chardonnay left from Linda from Accounting!  Bless Linda.  She’s so thoughtful.  Wonder if she’s seeing anyone…?”

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: