25 Pet Peeves

Oh, boy, did I unload here!  Let’s get to it:  Darling Stewie (that’s her blog name and me being jocundly affectionate) posted a list of 25 Pet Peeves as a “Doggy Bag” post!  So I drank two Frangelicos, lit some incense, and purged my 25 biggest pet peeves out into this disasterpiece.  It’s dark!  Political!  Offensive!  Soooo…. ENJOY!

1.  When people confuse “throwing shade” with “being an asshole.”  Throwing shade is an art, and it’s clever.  Any idiot can burp out “lol ur fat”.  Clever people throw shade.  Need reference?  Read Oscar Wilde.  Then practice in the mirror.  Awwww, snap!

2.  It’s “should have” not “should of” = should’ve.  (“HAVE.”  That’s where the “-ve” comes from!)

3.  Just B-R-E-A-T-H-E.  If you just “remember to breath,” you’ll only inhale once, and you’ll lose oxygen, and DIE.  Please remember to breathe, don’t just breath.

4.  The term “basic bitch” (excellent post here on femnasty) is insulting to yourself and a microaggression to other women so please stop calling people (and yourself) basic.  You’re not basic.  You’re a miracle of chance and evolution.  I believe in you!!!

5.  This:  “Feminists aren’t all fat, ugly lesbians!”  Because some feminists are lesbians.  Some feminists are fat.  And “ugly”?  Please.  Since when do only the thin, gorgeous, heterosexual feminists mattered?  Feminism isn’t a beauty contest or a dating show.  Google it.

6.  Why is it always when you’re sick and puking, when you’re at your most vulnerable and nauseous, that you truly realize how revoltingly filthy your bathroom is?  My bathroom, as a rule, is fastidiously tidy (it’s the size of a shoebox, la, New York) and yet when I’m feeling queasy, I kneel in front of the toilet to vomit, and I’m assaulted by the hidden filth that is my commode?  Not cool, potty, not cool.

7.  When Haterz try to troll me but their grammar and spelling are so bad that I… think that’s supposed to be an insult?  I almost feel bad blocking them on Twitter because I justify their nonsense by, I dunno, maybe they left their laptop open and their cat walked across it.  Frankly, that makes more sense than imagining a cognizant human being formulated the missive I received.  Block!

8.  People misusing the phrase “Netflix & chill”.  Okay, maybe you guys don’t have the internet, so I’m gonna cup my hand to my mouth and say this loud enough for you to hear:  “Netflix & chill” means inviting someone to your home for casual sex!!  Got that?  Okay, moving on.

9.  Reducing the conversation about abortion to situations involving rape and health of the mother.  Abortion is legal regardless of circumstances.  Women don’t have to explain themselves.  They don’t need your approval.  They need control of their lives.  Thanks, abortion, for giving women control over their lives!

10.  Why do leggings come up to my chin in the front, yet slide down over my ass when I bend over?  Are they made wrong?  OR AM I?

11.  People who follow you on social media to get a follow back, then unfollow you a day later.  That’s fine I didn’t want your fair-weather follow anyway!  Ummm….what?  I don’t even know you and already our relationship is predicated on an ultimatum of mutual codependency?  Uhhhh….no.

12.  People who treat cashiers like servants.  ‘Nuff said.

13.  The tense hostage negotiations that take place inside your head when your ice cube is stuck to the bottom of your glass:  “I’m just going to take a little sip then…maybe a bigger sip…wow, it’s really stuck on there!  Bigger sip?… The glass is now completely upside down, that ice cube isn’t going anywhere, might as well finish off this drink!”  And then that bastard ice cube comes loose and SMACKS YOU IN THE EYE.  People, please.  I can’t be the only one.

14.  People who “like” but don’t retweet.  Come on.  Why so proud?  Retweets are free, Scrooge McDuck.  Retweets are like smiles, you have an infinite supply, and they make everyone happy.  Please, suh, can I have so more retweets?

15.  The automatic assumption that all human beings are on diets.  “Want me to wrap that up?”  “Can we splurge on dessert?”  “You can afford to eat that!”  NO, I’m still eating it, YES, I’ll look at the dessert menu if I want and SHUT UP, I’m full.  I’m an adult human being and it’s taken me a long time to learn how to feed myself thanks to this idiotic diet talk.  Food is not a battlefield, so top shimmying at me, Pat Benatar. 

16.  When you’re talking to a stranger about something innocuous like the weather or the mime troupe performance and then he BAM!  Asks you on a date out of the blue (WTF?) and you’re like “No?” and he runs away leaving you stunned.  Like this!:

17.  Bars that don’t have menus.  Walk up to the bar and bartender is like “What can I get you?” and you be like “Ummm….I don’t know.  Can I have a Frangelico?”  “No, we don’t have that.”  “Well, how about a Pimm’s cup?”  “How do you make those?”  “Do you have any wine, at least?”  “We don’t serve wine, just beer and cocktails.”  “…could you elaborate, please?”  The worst is when they get annoyed at that like, “Hey, man, I’m not the one who’s unprepared for this interaction, you are.”  But then I usually order a rum & coke and drink it in spite.

18.  The phrase “I’m not like other girls.”  This phrase should only be used tongue-in-cheek when alluding to superpowers (Buffy Summers and Alex Mack, you’re o-kay!).  Otherwise, I bet dollars to donuts I can find you another girl who likes football/drinks whiskey/hates pink/smokes cigars/wears pants/can’t execute flawless winged eyeliner.  Your move, special snowflake.

19.  When people claim not to understand how sexuality can be “fluid,” when in fact the only gay person they know is their uncle who was married before and had two kids with a woman but decided to live his truth and divorced in his 40’s to date men.  I’m not even going to explain this one, I’m going to make a face and let you try to figure it out.

20.  When people react to me saying “Oh I don’t eat gluten,” by giving me a fifteen-minute lecture on food allergies, the latest research, Dr. Oz’s opinion, his cousin who was “cured of Celiac” by doing yoga and taking vitamin D, and rounding it out with a quote from Franklin D. Roosevelt.  Like…cool story bro, I still don’t want any pretzels.  Pass me the potato chips though?  Thanks.

21.  Party conversations that start with “What do you do?”  I really don’t have a good reason for this one, I just find it soo tempting to lie:  “I’m a scented-candle sniffer.” or “I’m a nail polish colour namer.” or “I’m a foot fetish model.” or “I run an international drug-smuggling ring.” or “I’m a spy from a Martian civilization disguised as a human…you work in accounting?  Wow, that’s so fascinating.”

22.  When cis-gender people say “I don’t understand trans / non-binary people.”  I don’t understand what it’s like to be an 80-year-old grandmother living in Norway, but that doesn’t mean I think all Norwegian grannies are LYING ABOUT THEIR IDENTITY!!!  “Oh, you’ve got three granddaughters and one on the way, Hilde?  Are you sure?  Maybe you’re just confused.”

23.  I hate it when my upper lip is sticky.  Because of this, it has been years since my last lollipop.  Cue the sad violin.

24.  Men’s Pants vs. Women’s Pants.  Can someone finally please explain to me why men’s pants are simple and direct and women’s pants need a Rosetta stone to figure out what size you are?

25.  Finally, I hate when people take themselves too seriously.  Crack a smile.  It’s all a joke.  It’s only temporary, don’t worry, it’s almost over and guess what?  “Do Not Take Life Too Seriously — You Will Never Get Out Of It Alive!”

Wow.  Let’s just say, it sometimes went to a dark place.  And, I had some major technical difficulties composing this post towards the end.  But, as we know, I love a friendly debate, so if I said anything that sparked a bee in your bonnet, let me know in the comments!  Or, if you’d like, write your own Pet Peeves post and link me to it!  I’d love to see what everyone comes up with!