The Year is 2015, and the House of Representatives has just voted to defund Planned Parenthood.
“We don’t want our tax dollars to pay for abortions!” they wail.
And that’s where I come in.
To the concerned parties: Don’t worry. We will have/already had your back.
In the year 2136, a group of Highly Talented Conservative Scientists (by then, the two terms won’t be mutually exclusive, I promise) developed a machine, a machine that allowed them to travel back in time. A Time Machine, if you will.
Using this machine, they will travel back in time to the year 1976 and force Congress to pass a piece of legislation that will become known as the Hyde Amendment. The Hyde Amendment will ensure that no public funds will ever be used to pay for abortion services.
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You see, 2015, we already took care of this shit 40 years ago. And 160 years in the future, simultaneously.
How do I know? I was there. Along the way, they stopped to pick me up. That’s right. Ronald Reagan. And your pal Ronnie would never lie to you, would he, my Fellow Americans?
So, 2015ers, still think it’s unfair that your tax money pays for something you don’t agree with? BOOM. We got this. We will get this. We have already gotten this. To recap: it’s called the Hyde Amendment, and by the time you began reading this sentence, it had already existed for 39 years. Isn’t Time Travel cool?!
You’re welcome.
Love and Jellybeans,
Former U.S. President of America Ronald Reagan
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