I have been reading the reactions to the Isla Vista killings like I can’t get enough. Elliot Rodgers acting out in violence because he felt entitled to female attention struck a chord with me and rattled me in a very personal way.
You see, earlier this year I had to seek legal intervention to prevent someone from contacting me, against my wishes, after it had been going on for a year and a half. I felt penned in, threatened, and due to the very personal nature, I felt exploited and used. I’m not sure what he felt, but I imagine it was something like Elliot Rodgers: he felt that my feelings didn’t matter. That when I said to leave me alone, he really just needed to continue to persist in contacting me until my resistance was worn down.
It’s really difficult to share this, but I feel like the time is right. All the righteous uproar in reaction to Elliot Rodgers’ mysogynistic-motivated massacre was a surprise. If any good can come out of this horribly dark act, let it be that we now recognize that women struggle constantly with the threat – yes, threat – of unwanted male pursuit and the repurcussions for refusing their advances. For a year and a half I endured a situation that made me uncomfortable, first for fear of hurting someone’s feelings, and then because I felt that the price of being a woman was to be badgered by wannabe-suitors – there was even a part of me that felt guilty for feeling threatened, after all, shouldn’t I be flattered that anyone should take an interest in me?
But now people are speaking up. Speaking up about rape culture, about female personhood, and sexual exploitation. Tell me this: were you ever asked to dance as a joke? Ever had a man comment on your attractiveness to your face, and then laugh? And do you keep in a jewelry drawer, for special occasions or for everyday use, the Decoy Wedding Ring?
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If so, then maybe you have something in common with me. With millions of other women. And maybe this is your fight, too. And maybe now, we can – finally – win.
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