Letting Go

Letting go is terrifying in trapeze and in life.

I like to plan, obsess, mull, and muse.  I keep my “Rolodex of Shame” well stocked and handy at all times.  I need to know what I’m doing.  I plan what salad dressing I’ll use for dinner before I leave work!  And between this blog and my weekly therapy sessions, “gaining insight” is my hobby.  My other hobby is taking long walks.  And when I walk, I think.  And when I think…I obsess.

Much as I love this city, sometimes it feels as though it’s a minefield of old emotions.  Old places, familiar feelings, long past that I still harbor feelings of guilt and sadness over.  Special places I shared with special people who are no longer in my life, or no longer with us.

As I draw near to my birthday, I wonder, “Is this getting old?  Accumulating old memories and retracting steps over and over until you cease to live in the now and live entirely in the past?  If I don’t hold my memories fast like a handbag, will they slip away from me?”

But I don’t have to do that.  I have to let go and trust that my past is behind me, the future is ahead, and every day I move closer and closer to being the woman I always dreamed of becoming.