Recipes That Prove That Humans Are Monsters


I feel pretty gross and guilty for my mayo-cheese-and-sriracha sandwiches. That’s what they are. Gluten free bread, a thick layer of Kewpie mayo on both slices, a hearty drizzle of Sriracha hot sauce, and two slices of Provolone cheese. I’m a bad person. I’m disgusting. This is my favorite meal. But —




These recipes I have found online for *actual foods* prove that I’m not the worst. Or, at least, I’m not alone. And I’m certainly not the only home chef with an affinity for mayonnaise. Behold.



Ok I’ve heard of Tuna Salad, Chicken Salad, and Egg Salad, but HAM?! Apparently, anything fits into the winning recipe of “Mayonnaise + Celery + INSERT PROTEIN HERE,” so why not ham? My instincts and context clues hint that this is a Southern American food, but if anyone can shed more light on this, it’s appreciated. I don’t understand. I’ve never heard of it until about a week ago. And I’m concerned: is there a Beef Salad consisting of ground beef, mayonnaise, and diced celery? Please tell me. No, don’t tell me.



You’re probably gonna think this is a joke, BUT. I have seen versions of this all over the internet and it appears to be quite in earnest. Billed as a clever spinoff on carrot cake (HOW?!), a sweet cream cheese frosting adorns a cake that I can only imagine tastes like a tomato-scratch-and-sniff sticker. <sarcasm> YUM. </sarcasm>



Seems… fishy. The ’60s classic cookbook The Joys of Jell-O touts this interesting take on tuna salad and I guess we can be nice and say…  it’s… creative? I’m actually a little speechless, as I can’t really wrap my head around what this tastes like. Olives & tuna, ok, I get it. The lime Jell-O, however, throws in a new tangy texture profile I struggle to comprehend. I’d try it, if it was offered to me, but I can’t promise I’ll be making this in the future.



Is this the second appearance of Ham Salad in one blog post? I can imagine exactly the kind of fête where this is served: it’s a Tupperware party, it’s 1972, it’s revolting. Ok I get that this isn’t too far-fetched: it’s basically a giant double-decker sandwich, made into a layer cake, frosted with cream cheese. I dig cream cheese! I’m a New Yorker, I believe there’s no such thing as TOO MUCH CREAM CHEESE. However… a sandwich that is completely ensconced in cream cheese might be a little much, even for me. Fuggeddaboutit!



It’s mayonnaise! It’s Jell-O! It’s ON FIRE! Ah, the decadence of the early ’60s. The Camelot years, eh? The arts were expanding consciences, the sciences were pushing us out into the stars, and the natural nexus of these two booming fronts is the Cranberry Candle Salad. A pillar, if you will, of achievement.



Ring Around The Tuna recipe appears in the Joys of Jell-O cookbook

4 responses to “Recipes That Prove That Humans Are Monsters”

    • REALLY?!? I remember the pasta salad with the tiny shrimp, and the potato salad with the peas, but I don’t remember HAM SALAD from any Easter luncheons! Nowwww you’re making me crave green Jell-O with pineapple and sunset-hued boiled eggs!!!

  1. My Mom made the best ham salad! It was always a “by-product” of a recent meal that included, ready for this?, ham!

    She’d set up the meat grinder on the kitchen table – it would attach with a built-in clamp thingy. I helped grind the meat. There’s a small hopper that the meat goes in, you turn the crank and out comes ground up ham. Combine the ground up ham with spices and mayo to a tuna salad spreadable consistency and it was DELICIOUS! My Mom passed in 1986…I really miss her and her ham salad. With 7 children to feed, she made every last bit count!

    • WOW. This sounds really labor-intensive and now I have so many questions! Granted, I’ve been a vegetarian since last century, but I had literally no idea until this comment that you could grind up HAM. And then I was like, if you formed it into a patty and grilled it and put it on a bun, would you have a HAM-burger?!? I don’t know ANYTHING about cooking, so please forgive my ignorance, but I had NO CLUE this was a thing! Props to your mom for doing so much work!!!

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