So You Think You Can Turn 34


If you don’t blog about your birthday, are you even a blogger?


More accurately, if you don’t blog about your feelings about your birthday, do you get any older?


In a way, I won’t be getting any older on my actual birthday. BECAUSE: for some odd reason, I’ve been referring to myself as “34” for most of the past year, in anticipation. I think it was somewhere around the time of my colossal life shift in October of last year — yep, a scant 2 months after my 33rd birthday — I just rounded up for dramatic purposes and decided I was basically a 34-year-old then and there. I aged a year in two months (basically). Two days ago, I did actual iPhone calculator math to assuage myself that this wasn’t my 35th birthday, merely my 34th, because I couldn’t possibly be younger than I felt. I felt 34 whole years old. At least. This past year has put me through the ringer. WHy?! Whyyyyy, 33?


So turning 34 for real could be kind of a do-over for me. A second chance to be 34 and to be 34 the right way this time, as in, to actually be 34.


And, as is customary for a blogger having a birthday, now I — your elder, yet again — am obliged to share with you TIPS! for your life. Just 34 tiny bits of wisdom I’ve gleaned from my 34 years revolving around the sun.



1. Wear Sunscreen. Just trust me.

2. Shop at Forever 21, if that makes you happy. There is no age limit on that crop top.

3. Your room looks 90% cleaner if you just shut all your dresser drawers.

4. Don’t settle for the first Brooklyn apartment you view. Realtors lie. There is something better out there in your price range. They just don’t want you to find it. But you CAN!

5. Spending money on something you need & will use every day & will solve a problem that irritates you isn’t frivolous. It’s an investment.

6. Avocados aren’t that expensive. But they’re also not an investment. See above.

7. Wash your face before you go to bed. Honey, if I can do it, YOU can do it. We’re all in this together.

8. The key to surviving is to cut corners on the things you can live without, so you can keep the things you can’t live without. That’s all.

9. Wash your hands. They’re filthy.

10. You really don’t know until you try something new. But anyone who pressures you to try something you REALLY DON’T WANT TO is an asshole.

11. Yeah, drinking water is important. But if you can’t drink water, seltzer is the next best thing, right? Right?

12. Being an Early Bird and not a Night Owl is gonna become cooler and more glamorous when you get older and more of your life happens in the daytime.

13. Nobody really “has it all figured out.” Pretty much the majority of so-called “adults” aren’t perfect, either. 

14. Classics — and anything that’s really popular — are usually good. Usually they become popular/become classics for a reason. Can’t fight the tide. Don’t even try.

15. It really is a gift to yourself to make yourself happy. It’s not easy. But it’s worth working at.

16. Buy clothes that are comfortable now, not clothes that will be comfortable on some fictional future version of you.

17. Eggs in the microwave. Fast, filling, and good breakfast. I promise.

18. People seldom, rarely, if ever “grow out of it.”

19. Starting is always the fastest way to get it done.

20. If you’re afraid you’re gonna forget it, email it to yourself. I am my own best pen pal.

21. I’m only human, and frankly, that’s my best asset.

22. Sign up to be a poll worker! It’s seriously way more fun than you think it will be. Or, if not that, find the thing that enables you to use your talents and push yourself to make the world a slightly better place. It’s awesome.

23. Don’t let anybody give you crap for liking the things you like.

24. See above but also, don’t be a dick about defending your faves when it turns out they’re problematic.

25. You can never have enough underwear. More underwear, less frequent laundry. That’s a solid fact.

26. Your tastes really do change as you get older! It’s worth giving Led Zeppelin and mushrooms another try once in a while.

27. If you’re feeling stressed, put on some music and clean. Feeling depressed? Put on some music and clean. You may still be stressed and depressed, but at least you’ll have a clean house.

28. Vegetables! Can’t underestimate the importance of vegetables. 

29. Don’t be an asshole with the shared laundry room! Set a timer, and take your stuff out of the machines in a timely manner! It’s called being a part of a community! I’m dead serious about this.

30. The Internet is amazing! Shit, 20 years ago, if I didn’t know something, I had to ask somebody else, or read a WHOLE BOOK in the hopes that I could learn it. Do you realize how awesome it is just to have that knowledge at your fingertips? Young’uns, if anyone whines at you that you spend too much time on the Internet — or tells you to stop interrupting the movie just to look up how tall Geena Davis is (6′ even, fyi), tell them to FUCK OFF, because Knowledge is Power™!

31. Not everything that you get for free is worth the price. Like, in college, I got a free couch, but it turned out to be infested with fleas. Remember that. I sure do.

32. Always bring a snack. You Never Know where you’ll be when you get hit by a Snack Attack™.

33. If you try to live to make other people happy, you’ll end up making NOBODY happy.

34. Insist upon yourself! Nobody else will!


HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEE! Thank you all for reading this long-ass list. And my blog — coincidentally, this is my 1,300th blog post! Thank you especially to everyone who left comments and who made my 33rd year what it was, and here’s to making my 34th revolution truly… uh… REVOLUTIONARY!!! ? ? ?

2 responses to “So You Think You Can Turn 34”

  1. Thanks for posting all of your wisdom, and thanks for being alive another year! Happy birthday! 🙂

    • Thank you! And thank you for all the wonderful comments you leave me on my blog, I really REALLY do appreciate your readership!!!

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