Squeaky Shoes


The skill that has taken me the longest to hone, and the skill that has served me the best in my everyday life, is the ability to squeak my shoes.


Yes, I have finally mastered the gentle scuff of my Converse against nearly any ground-type surface that elicits an ear-piercing “SQUEAK!” on demand, any time and any where.


The squeak of shoes is to the pedestrian what the honk of a horn is to the New York City driver. 


Once YOU have mastered the technique of brushing your feet on linoleum, tile, and other surfaces to squeak YOUR shoes, you can use your newfound power to scorn all kinds of negligent tourists:

  • people who stop suddenly in their tracks to debate the signs underground
  • people who abruptly change speed in front of you, causing you to squeak to a halt
  • and much, much more!


When you can’t punch a tourist for being an asshole, you CAN squeak your shoes! And that’s… almost as good.


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