So You Think You Can Bangs





  1. You Will Never Wear Hats! The hat band will press your bangs down, and suddenly, they will be in your eyes, down to your nose, creeping into your mouth… no matter HOW short they were to begin with! If you realize your mistake and remove the hat? TOO LATE! You have a permanent imprint of hat on your bangs now! It’s the mistake you cannot recover from!


2. Trim Them Constantly, or they will take over your face!!! One night you decide, OK, this is it, I will trim my bangs. You trim them a LITTLE, because you dare not cut them too short. The next day, they are Too Long again! Ok, then, I will trim them a little more, you say. But Oh! Not enough it would seem! So you trim them A Lot, and it is ok. BUT IS IT? Because maybe they are still too long on the right side, and too uneven on the left? So you pick up the scissors again. And so on. Forever. And ever. The 4th ring of hell is a constant cycle of trimming bangs, and sinks filled with tiny hairs, and getting little snippets in your eyelashes. It is the punishment for the hubris of BANGS.


b. Grease. Is the word. Have you heard? Obviously your bangs will be greasy on your sweaty summer forehead. But, Did You Know? When the winter wind blows, it somehow blows grease into your bangs. I do not know how wind + bangs = grease, it is just science that I don’t understand. Like how Wifi works. Maybe the wind picks up tiny particles of fryer grease from White Castle and blows infinitesimal particles of it into your bangs. That’s probably it.


  •  They Will Never lay the way you want. Whether you’re hoping for piece-ey Lydia Deets bangs, sideswept 2000s Emo Bangs, coifed 50’s Barbie bangs or Retro Throwback 80’s bangs. You’re going to end up with a rebellious tuft of There’s Something About Mary bangs. This is a science fact.


5. They Will Only look good for one week, exactly two weeks after you get your hair cut. Take your bangs to be trimmed professionally??? HAH HAH HAH. A “professional” will trim them WAY TOO SHORT, and you’ll spend the half of a month mistrusting every “professional” you encounter. After the passing of a fortnight, your bangs will MAGICALLY look good, and you’ll think AHA! This is what we were going for! But at the end of the week, Week Four, your bangs will turn back into werewolves.


VI. Always finding mysteriously long pieces in them from nowhere. What’s stabbing me in my eye??? Is it an eyelash? A tiny splinter of fiberglass? NO, it’s a rogue piece of bang, that has grown at a rate 4X it’s neighbors, solely to spite my own eyes by reaching across my eyebrows and blinding me. WHY DO WE DO THIS TO OURSELVES???


  • A light breeze and your forehead is totally exposed as is your hubris that you could make this work.


8. Can so easily Go Wrong, look like Michelle Duggar.


One response to “So You Think You Can Bangs”

  1. Hahahaha this is wonderful because it is so TRUE. I battled bangs for years and then the minute I gave up they did too – stopped growing. It takes SOOO long to grow bangs out! Yours always look cute though so props to you for continuing the constant bang battle!

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