The Walls Have Ears


I didn’t realize how LOUD I AM until I moved in with roommates.


My roommates are AWESOME. They’re very cool. And chill. And quiet. SO QUIET! I never EVER hear ANYTHING at ANY time of the day. They’re great! They’re WONDERFUL! No, the problem is me.


I’m afraid that I’m very loud.


Nothing prepares you for going from what is basically a home of your own to living with roommates overnight. The sharing of a bathroom with three other people is BOUND to result in at least one desperate moment when someone’s in the shower and you gotta go so you start emptying out the shoebox filled with your nail polish collection to poop in JUST IN CASE and don’t look at me like that, if you shared one bathroom with three people, I’m sure you’ve been there!


But simply being the kind of person who would even consider pooping in a box as a viable option, which in itself probably makes me a truly undesirable roommate (WHAT WOULD YOU DO THOUGH I MEAN REALLY), I’m afraid that I’m quite loud.


My hairdryer gives me pause. I can only imagine what they think my epilator is doing. And I know what you’re thinking and YES, I’m terrified my vibrators can be overheard in other rooms.


But it was the flu that I caught last week that made me reallllllly think about how LOUD I am.


Y’all — I have been coughing incessantly for seven days. SEVEN DAYS! I take a breath, I start to cough. I’m like a tragic French woman in a musical. And not just dainty, cute coughs, NO! These are deep, rattling, wet, croupy coughs. All day, all night. NON-FUCKING-STOP.


I don’t even have the CHOICE to be quiet. I can wear headphones every time I play music or watch TV, that’s a choice. I can be suuuuuper gentle shutting the microwave door when I make breakfast in the morning, and I can shuffle my Tarot cards on top of my duvet to muffle the sound (yes, that’s a thing that I do).


But I can’t stop coughing. I’m TRYING! I’m taking cough medicine, I don’t WANT to cough myself dizzy, but I don’t have a choice. I’m like, the literal Fantine of Bushwick. I’m diseased, and everyone knows it.


They can hear it through the walls.



image via pixabay

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