1 Day post-Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino — is the world really that much worse for having had the Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino?
Yep, this is a piece about the Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino.
Everybody’s been fuh-reeeeking out about it. It has sugar! It’s Insta-bait! It’s…trendy? It’s marketed towards women which automatically make it ripe for mockery. TRUTHFACTS!
But the shitstorm of backlash against the Unicorn Frappuccino, largely undeserved, is but a tiny wave in the tsunami that is hating on things that people like. I’ve written before about avoiding trends when I was younger, and I have to say I am so much happier since I’ve seen the light. Indiscriminately hating on popular things just because they’re popular doesn’t make you smarter or cooler: it just makes you a hater. Back that hate up with a legitimate gripe, and I would still say you should CHILL OUT! And just let people liiiiiiiive. Here, have a frosty, sugary beverage to help you cool down.
I do think it’s worth exploring the backlash against the Unicorn Frappuccino as a feminist issue. I mean, this beverage is unabashedly cutesy and twee, the intended audience is OBVIOUSLY women or those who embrace femininity — such as men who flout the gender binary. Two easy targets for Internet snark. Pretty much anything that is aimed at this group of people is crucified in the comments section. See also: Emojis. I love emojis. You can always tell who I am in the group text because I’ll just respond in ALL EMOJIS. I sincerely wish I could somehow incorporate emojis into my spoken patois as well. Maybe it’s genetic? You should see the way my dad abuses emojis. YES, MY DAD. My Scotch-swilling, BMW-driving, golf-playing dad. Loves emojis. Emojis cross the gender spectrum, it’s not just a female thing. And props to my dad for using (perhaps, abusing?) emojis like he just don’t care. One way in which he is inspiring. Does this count as an early Father’s Day card, a blog shoutout in which I out my dad’s emoji addiction? Errrrrm, sure! Happy Father’s Day, Dad!
But as the Unicorn Frappuccino ends its limited-time engagement and the pink blossoms fall from the trees, I hope we realize that it wasn’t the questionable sour powder that leaves a bad taste in our mouths, it’s all that shit we were talking about something that is, basically, a net neutral or even a net good. HEY! Let people get excited about stupid shit! Like taking pictures of those pretty trees in springtime. If I see one more self-deprecating “LOL I’M SO BASIC” Instagram caption I’m gonna REPORT YOUR ACCOUNT no probably not bc that’s way harsh Tai. But like for real, stop telling people they should feel bad about the things that make them feel good. Today, it’s a gross milkshake from Starbucks. Yeah, we know, we’re doing it for the ‘gram, so what? Tomorrow it’s gonna be something else. A new boy band? The season premiere of The Bachelorette? What’s gonna be the next perfectly harmless trend to be sacrificed on the public altar of “OMG THATS SO DUMB LOL”???
Fuck it. Let people get excited about Pokémon Go!, and spring flowers, and rosé, and avocado toast. Stop raining on people’s parades. Is that really what you want to be, a raincloud on parade day? Don’t forget, when you point a finger at someone to laugh “HA HA” like Nelson, you’ve got 3 fingers pointing back at you, saying:
“this person is petty, joyless, and needs a fucking hobby.”
Here’s a suggestion for you: maybe you could take up blending colorful frozen drinks. Don’t be a hater, be an innovator. Don’t get MAD, get even. And don’t rain on people’s parades. End rant.
image via Starbucks