Hello, My Name Is Meghan, And I Have Eyelid Dandruff.
Did you even know that was A Thing? Neither did I.
I didn’t choose the high maintenance life. The high maintencance life chose me. Maybe it’s because, once upon a time, I scoffed at a commercial for some obscure beauty treatment or product.
Past Meghan: *Scoff!* “Who needs that?”
Then the vindictive forces within The Universe carried a whisper on the wind, “yooooou soooon shallllll….” it hissed, and here we are, aged 32, with seven prescription skin products that I have to lug everywhere.
But back to the eyelid dandruff, cuz I know you’re soOoOoOo interested to know what that’s like.
So back in March, I had my one-year dermatologist checkup with my regular doctor, The Dermatologist Most Likely To Be Mistaken For A Disney Prince at Woodhull Hospital. Seriously. He’s like if Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid borrowed Clark Kent’s Superman glasses for a better look at that mole on the back of your upper thigh. “It looks benign!” he says. “Nothing to worry about.” Oh, but little did I know…
So we’re discussing the treatments I’ve been using on my face and scalp for the past year. I have a concern that I need to broach.
ME: “Sometimes, my eyelids and the area around my eyes gets really dry.”
HIM: “Oh, that’s dandruff. I’ll write you a prescription for that.”
ME: “I don’t have dandruff, it’s on my eyes.”
HIM: “That dryness is dandruff. I’ll prescribe you a cream.”
ME: *long pause of screaming internally*
ALSO ME: “Just so I’m clear, this is a prescription cream for dandruff of the eyelids. Eyelid dandruff.”
I can’t make this up! Who, in all honesty, would MAKE THIS UP? Now, it’s bad enough I used to get that burning, stinging dry skin that would cause my jawline to seize up and flake off (which I affectionately and accurately dubbed “The Beard”), it’s moved up to my damn eyelids. Can’t wear eyeshadow! My frickin’ eyelids flake off. Do you know what glitter looks like on dry, flaky eyelids? Turns out, not great. Why, oh why, cursèd fates, do you have to take my eye glitter away from me?!?
So now I have this cream. This EYELID DANDRUFF cream. And I have to use it TWO TIMES A DAY OR ELSE. Or else what, you ask? OR ELSE I’m sitting at a lovely dinner party, enjoying the company of friends, paying no attention to my eyelids, when suddenly, they turn dry and crack up like The Thing from Fantastic Four, and then, they flake and peel off. Ladies scream. Children wail. Men vomit into their soup.
“It’s eyelid dandruff!” I plead, as the mayhem swirling around me reaches a frenzied peak. “I can’t help it! I have a cream!”
So this is the rest of my life, I guess: chasing the dermatological dragon, so to speak. Walking the tightrope of prescription creams, gels, and washes to try to get my face to “normal.” What is normal? I’m almost afraid to wonder. But one thing’s for sure: I will never, never make fun of anyone for being “high maintenance” again. I don’t even think I can. It’s a side effect from the EYELID DANDRUFF cream.