When Does Your House Get Cleaned?


They say that a messy house is a sign of a happy life.

I agree with that, because the only times my apartment gets cleaned is when there is a MAJOR STRESS happening in my life:

People are coming over: “Oh shit, I have to clean EVERYTHING or they will judge me and hate me and think that I am disgusting!”

I’m avoiding a deadline: “Okay I really need to get this done, clock is ticking, but first I should wash these dishes and sort this pile of mail on the kitchen table and scrub the grout in the bathtub with bleach. It needs to be done, anyway! Then I’ll work on my project, and when I finish it before the deadline, I’ll feel even more accomplished!”

Someone is mad at me: “I’ll show you who the bigger person is! I’ll organize my entire T-shirt drawer and dust the bookshelves! You’re gonna feel really bad for treating me so awful when you see how clean my bedroom is! #RiseAbove”

I desperately want attention: “I took apart the toilet to scrub it today. Yep, stuck my face and hands deep in that stinky poop-hole to scrub it sparkling. I’m not saying you have to thank me, you know, by showering me with thanks or anything, it’s just that I’m so needy that I stooped to the level of kneeling over the crapper for an hour to make a Hail Mary play for affection. Please notice me!

So if a messy house is a sign of a happy life, then it follows that a clean house (or apartment or studio or bungalow or shack) is a sign of discontent. For me, it’s avoidance, upheaval, and loneliness. 

When I see fastidiously tidy rooms and interiors on blogs, I wonder if the people behind those smooth linens and perfectly puffed pillows approach cleaning the same way do. If they pick up a cushion to fluff it, muttering under their breath, “I’ll show you who’s got to learn to pick their battles.” Or maybe after a vigorous vacuuming spree, they stand back to survey their #flawless abode and fantasize about all the Instagram likes that their perfect tablescape is sure to get.

The point is, does anyone not clean in anger? Or sadness? Is there anyone who cleans because they just need to? Thoughts, please.

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