Makeup is very controversial these days! People are asking all kinds of questions such as, “Is Makeup Feminist?” and “Is Makeup False Advertising?” The one question NOT being asked is probably the most important one of all, “WHAT IS MAKEUP?!?” To understand, I’ve broken down the essential elements of makeup for you to understand:
Contouring: Contouring is like asking a face painter to paint your face with to look like…another face. Not very imaginative!! You can do better! Get Spider-Man, or a butterfly, or JESUS, at least some cat whiskers.
Pro: makes your lips a different color.
Con: gets on everything that goes near your mouth including coffee cups, handkerchiefs, goldendoodle puppies, your hair in the wind, dicks, wine glasses, and your own teeth.
Conclusion: There’s definitely a better way to make your lips a different color, such as blue lollipops, a blue popsicles, or hypothermia.
Eyeshadow: see graph:
Mascara: It’s a statistical probability that there are tiny bugs living on your eyelashes that feast on your skin cells, sebum, and also mascara.
Therefore the purpose of mascara is threefold:
1. To make your eyelashes more pronounced
2. To fatten up your eyelash-bugs
3. To betray your secret sadness when it runs down your face after a good, long ladies’ room cry.
Blush: the only reason to wear blush is to play Liesl in a community theatre production of
The Sound of Music.
Eyebrow pencil: heavy brows are all the rage these days. Get the “Cara Delvigne” look by lightly drawing more brow hairs into your eyebrow. However, if you have two eyebrows (as is the current fashion), making them match will mean chasing the brow dragon and filling them in more and more until you’ve gone from Frida Kahlo to Bert and Ernie.
Eyeliner: see Eyebrow Pencil, but on the scale of “Adele” to “Amy Winehouse.”
Nail Polish: Actual paint for your nails. Only an anti-feminist, self-loathing misogynist would paint over her perfectly good, natural nails with some unnatural colour. Nail polish is definitely false advertising, leading people to believe your nails are actually really blue, or purple, or red with nautical stars, or ladybugs. Tsk tsk, for shame.