1. When do you put up Christmas decorations?
A. When I have the time and energy.
B. When my Tinder date is there to help. It’s called “foreplay.”
C. The day after Thanksgiving! It’s always THE DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING. Earlier than that is TOO SOON, but if you don’t have decorations up by Black Friday, you’re RUINING CHRISTMAS.
D. What do you mean, “put up”? I have an artificial tree in my apartment year-round!
2. You’re Going to the Mall to See Santa! What do you wear?
A. I’m just going to avoid the mall, thanks.
B. My Mrs. Claus fur-trimmed red velvet bikini, OF COURSE. This is my new profile pic for OkCupid!
C. Red sweater and jeans. THE WHOLE FAMILY wears a RED SWEATER and JEANS. We do this every year, I sent the What’s App reminder on November 1st, if you don’t get with the dress code, you’re NOT IN THE PICTURE.
D. Ugly sweater! Reindeer horns! AND A WREATH AROUND MY NECK!! You can’t see, but I’m wearing elf shoes, too! WITH BELLS ON THEM!
3. Holiday beverage of choice?
A. I’ll just have a white wine, if you’ve got it.
B. Eggnog! Betcha can’t guess my secret ingredient! Hint: it’s only barely legal! Shhhh!
C. We ALWAYS make mulled cider on Christmas Eve. I won’t drink it before then! And it HAS to be Aunt Shirley’s recipe or it’s NOT CHRISTMAS!
D. I’ll have a Venti Peppermint Mocha Frappe EXTRA WHIP and tree-shaped sprinkles! Oh you don’t have those? It’s okay, I brought my own!
4. What’s your least favourite part of the season?
A. What’s not to like? It’s the holidays.
B. Apparently, hanging mistletoe above your cubicle constitutes “sexual harrassment” now? Where’s the Holiday cheer??
C. Starbucks Red Cups! They’re not Christmassy enough!
D. All these negative sons of grinches! The ones that shoot me nasty looks for carrying my boombox around to play Christmas music EVERYWHERE I GO! It’s the Most Wonderful Time Of The Year, guys, get with the program!
5. Last question! What do you want for Christmas?
A. A roaring fire, a glass of wine, and a kiss under the mistletoe.
B. A new tie… and a playmate to string me up to my bedframe with it!
C. I’ve made an Amazon list, collated it onto Google Sheets, and shared it with everyone in the Google Hangout group. Just like we discussed doing back in October, remember?
D. I want cookies, hot chocolate, a sleighride, and to have the “Five Golden Rings” solo in “The Twelve Days of Christmas” for my show choir’s annual Christmas concert!!!!
If you answered mostly A’s, you are “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas”!
Bravo! You keep your Christmas cheer intimate and meaningful. You’re not out Jingling Bells, but you’re not a Mean One, Mister Grinch, either. Stay sane, avoid big box stores at all costs, and have yourself a merry one.
If you answered mostly B’s, you are “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”!
You’re the kind of person who follows “Ho Ho Ho” with “That’s what she said!” and to be honest, it makes people a little uncomfortable. We all know who spiked the punch at the holiday party.
If you answered mostly C’s, you are “The Christmas Shoes”!
Everybody else is too polite to tell you, so I’ll just say it: you’re a total downer. You’re giving me a Blue Christmas, and I don’t even know you. Maybe you should stop getting so uptight about the holidays and relax. Have some eggnog courtesy of the person who answered mostly B’s. It might do you some good.
If you answered mostly D’s, you are “All I Want For Christmas Is You”!
You’re a Bona Fide Jingle Belle! Nobody loves Christmas more than YOU do! This is your time, the Most Wonderful Time of the Year! Enjoy it, and try not to crash to hard following New Year’s. Remember, there’s still Valentine’s Day to get excited for!