Christmas Presents for Girls!

Whether they’re your platonic BFF, your friend with benefits, or your partner in life, you know someone who identifies as female.  You love her dearly, so this Christmas, give her the gift of comfort and joy with these gifts that will make her life safer and easier!!

Nike Women’s Flex 2014 Rn Running Shoes

for walking home alone at night, just in case she hears footsteps behind her and needs to take off on an impromptu brisk paranoid jog, which may turn into a just-in-case run for her life into the all-night deli to hide behind the kitty litter to ascertain whether she’d been followed by the owner of the heavy footfalls she swore she’d heard behind her…no?  Well, better safe than sorry!

Beats by Dre with “I Have A Boyfriend” written on them

Look, we all know that “I have a boyfriend” is the only phrase that will stop strange men on the train from harassing you to go home with them.  Sigh!  Remember the good old days when merely wearing headphones on public transit was enough?  We can’t go back in time, but we CAN double up on protection by customizing our best gal’s Beats by Dre (that don’t play music, are you crazy? You need to be alert AT ALL TIMES) with a label maker to tell the world “I HAVE A BOYFRIEND”!  Yes, they’re basically earmuffs with lies on them lol but at least your ears are warm!!

(Fake) Engagement Ring 

does your friend like to party and go to bars and work outside the home and leave the house?  If she doesn’t already have one, she’ll need a flashy ostentatious diamond to broadcast to the world “I’m taken! (regardless of actual relationship status)”  A diamond on the hand says “hands off!” to handsy young bachelors!  Your grateful gal-pal will think of you every time she swats a groper off her hiney with  her diamond-clad left hand she’ll think of you and reflect, “Wow, what a great ally.”  Always remember:  Diamonds are a girl’s best friend!

This Christmas, don’t buy your mom, sister, cousin, daughter, niece, friend, or wife that pretty plaid scarf she’s been dropping all those hints about because honestly, some maniac is just going to use it to choke her out before he takes advantage of her.  Can you live with yourself knowing you helped your girl-friend get strangled in some filthy alley?  I hope not!  Happy Holidays and STAY ALERT, dammit!


2 responses to “Christmas Presents for Girls!”

  1. OMG HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I choked on my crisps when I read the scarf bit! This is brilliant but let me confirm that being engaged does not deter weird men trying to chat you up … it seems they have no morals and you being taken only makes them want you more! x

    1. Wow, I have the opposite reaction! Every time I see a huge engagement ring I assume it's fake, as a deterrent. Otherwise like literally every woman in New York is engaged but me…. *sobs* which might be true as well…

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