Sure, you could buy that special lad in your life a shiny expensive watch, but that’s so predictable. A good gift is one they’ll use every day, that will remind him of you, and how he should never cheat with any of the way hotter girls from the gym because you’re “difficult”. Your so-called “emotional issues” spring from a kind soul, one that is super good at gift-giving! Here’s my Top Five presents for the Special Dude in your life!
FOR THE NEW BEAU: Word A Day Calendar
You’re chatting each other up and things are going pretty well, but his ubiquitous “lol so funny” replies aren’t stoking the fires of your desire. Encourage that new man to dig deeper into his poetic side with a vocabulary-expanding Word-A-Day calendar! With a little encouragement, by Valentine’s Day he’ll stop texting “u up?” and start composing sonnets that would make Pablo Neruda blush! Yeah, gurl!
FOR YOUR FRAT BOY FLING: Luxury Plush Bath Towels
Oh my god have you seen the thing he showers with? Why would he bring that with him to college? What the hell. It smells like all the zombies on The Walking Dead took turns farting into it. You cannot stay over because showering at his place with that thing is beyond the pale. He needs a new damn towel. And for someone to throw away the old one when he isn’t looking.
FOR THE LIVE-IN IN YOUR LIFE: iRobot Roomba 650
Holy shit, congrats on moving in together, that’s a HUGE STEP. Now DON’T BLOW IT. The only way to make this relationship work is to make sure he never realizes that you’re actually the sloppy one. Roomba to the Rescue! Roomba discreetly removes all your nasty “girl” messes like stay hairballs, scrunchies, and rice cake crumbs. It’s an awesome gift, dude. Didn’t he always want a robot companion, anyway?
You’re trying to feel out if he’ll be good “dad” material, so test him with this home-brewing kit! Home brewing is a long-term endeavor that requires responsibility and patience. But with home-brewing, you end up with beer, whereas with childrearing, you end up with…teenagers?! Actually, forget having kids, buy two home-brew kits. It’s probably better for your marriage in the long run.
FOR THE MAN YOU’RE ALREADY GROWING OLD WITH: JimmyJane Form 2
You have each other, that’s what counts! You’re almost past the point of even giving each other gifts, so throw a curve-ball here with The Gift That Keeps On Giving… Orgasms. The cute, non-threatening design shrugs as if to say “I’m game if you are.” By this time, you’ve been there, done that, and would rather just watch Netflix and chill than “Netflix and chill”. Well, can’t say you didn’t try. Good luck!