Guys, I really need a vacation. Like really really REALLY. I need to get the hell outta dodge, away from these stupid tourists, and my heart longs to go all the way across the ocean, back to Europe. In April 2010 I was in Amsterdam, where the sun shone, tulips bloomed, french fries were served with copious mayonnaise and local landmarks like The Cockring just begged to become photo ops for shitty, gawking tourists like myself. What a dork I was. Check that thought: maybe I should cut these NY tourists some slack.