Atheist Christmas Carols!

Alternet has clearly read my mind this year:  they’ve produced a fairly good list of Atheist-friendly Christmas songs!  Songs that do not mention Jesus, God, Saints, Angels, Miracles, or Virgin Births…because while Atheists may not like those things, we do loooove music.  We need it for our baby-eating rituals!  Check out the list, it’s interesting to see which ten songs made the cut and why!

In addition, I’d like to throw this one out there as a new classic:


Sure, it’s a bit…specific, and some of the syllables are a little clunky, but it beats the crap out of these Christmas songs that I haaaaate:

“The Christmas Shoes” – this one I call “emotional terrorism.”  It tries SO HARD to make you FEEL THINGS that it just ends up turning my stomach.  A little child.  On Christmas.  A mother dying (presumably of cancer, a nice, respectable, Christian death, unlike, say, AIDS from a dirty needle?), and oh yeah JESUS.  JESUS JESUS JESUS.  Sweet baby Jesus taking that mother away from her child welcoming that child’s mother into Heaven.  It’s so confusing and annoying and then – and then – an ACTUAL CHILD sings the chorus, slightly “endearingly” out of tune ARE YOU FEELING THINGS YET?!?

“Baby, It’s Cold Outside” – How do I loathe this song?  Let me count the ways.  It glorifies date rape, date rape drugs (“say, what’s in this drink?”), and slut-shaming (“my mother will be suspicious/my father will be there at the door/my maiden aunt’s mind is vicious”), at the very least.  If this song doesn’t make you feel icky, maybe it’s because “The Christmas Shoes” used up all your feelings.

“All I Want For Christmas Is You” – If you work in retail, you’ve heard this song once every fifteen minutes.  Any version – Mariah Carey, Glee, Michael Buble’s confusing ballad version – now makes my skin crawl.  Someone’s generic ringtone came close to the opening chords and I nearly threw them in front of a subway train.  If a genie presented me with three wishes, it would be to always smell like Nutz 4 Nutz, for infinite more wishes (duh) and to erase that song from ever having existed.

“Suzie Snowflake” – Just listen to it.

“Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow!” – YES I have a problem with this song and if you’ve ever had to DRIVE in snow then YOU SHOULD TOO.  The basic gist of this song is that THIS DICK has nowhere better to be and he’s all “Oh, I don’t care if the weather is bad, I’m here with my honey and a roaring fire and a cupboard full of snacks and my Netflix queue!”  Meanwhile, out in that snowstorm are people TRYING to get to WORK, trying to DO THEIR LAUNDRY, trying to DRAG GROCERIES HOME IN THE SNOW and UGH the conceit of some asshole loving the nasty weather because he’s super privileged just bugs the crap out of me.

Enough negativity!  Here are some Christmas songs that I actually really love:

…and they said Atheists don’t like Christmas music?  Bah humbug!!!

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