Awesomely [BAD] Movies

Okay, so I’m gonna level:  I have been having what Eli has cheerfully described as “a string of bad luck.”  I lost my mind in an interview, left my keys at home by mistake this morning, and of course, there’s the haircut!  Overworked, Underslept, I could do with some escapism.  And that’s when we turn to the movies.

I’m gonna tell ya, don’t waste a dime on any of that crap Hollywood’s churning out.  Mincing hipsters acting uncomfortable with adulthood?  Bleagh.  Michael Bay-directed 3D movie based on toys from your childhood?  Barf.  You’ll forget these movies before the end credits are finished rolling!  Don’t even bother.  Stay in and watch something you’ll regret for the REST of your LIFE!

XANADU  (1980)
If you love the tackiest parts of the 80’s without shame, this movie will put a song in your heart (ELO!) and give you reason to go on…”really believing”…and confirms what we already knew from Grease:  that Olivia Newton-John is a goddess.  Okay, a muse.  Whatever.

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GREASE 2  (1982)
If you liked Grease, but wished there were more overt sexual innuendos, might I introduce you to Grease 2?  See if you can spot all three songs that are unabashedly about doin’ it.  It’s just as catchy, just as campy, and Michelle Pfeiffer plays the ingenue.  Genius!

SHOWGIRLS  (1995)
You’ll never be able to watch Sex and the City reruns in the same light again after you see Kyle MacLachlan violating Jesse Spano from Saved By The Bell.  If nothing else, you should pick up a few great dance moves…not that I recommend doing them all topless.

NIGHT OF THE COMET  (1984)

In what was to be the year of my birth, a comet passed too close to the Earth and turned all who witnessed it into coffee grounds.  And occasionally zombies.  Who’s left to fight them?  A Valley Girl prostitute, her cheerleader sister, and an overdrawn stereotype named “Hector Gomez”.  If you’re one of those girls, like me, who sometimes can’t decide between a horror movie and a chick flick, this is a really great compromise.

EARTH GIRLS ARE EASY  (1988)
It’s a sci-fi musical.  A SCI-FI MUSICAL!?!?!?  Geena Davis.  Jim Carrey.  A Wayans.  And JEFF GOLDBLUM.  There are makeover montages.  Dance battles.  And oh did I mention IT’S A SCI-FI MUSICAL?!?!  If you watch it once, I guarantee you’ll come back again and again.  This gem sits in the Netflix instant queue to be watched anytime I’m feeling low.  Consider it my gift to you.

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THE LONG KISS GOODNIGHT  (1996)
This movie actually isn’t bad at all – but it’s AWESOME.  Geena Davis again, this time in a deadly assassin capacity.  When your significant other tries to convince you to watch Die Hard for the fourth time this week, try suggesting this movie.  It’s amazing to think we don’t have more action movies featuring fierce and kickass ladies, but if that’s something you’d like to see, you will LOVE this movie.

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