Success

 

What if success is by how much you ACCOMPLISH, but how much you ENJOY??? I type into my phone as I eat a burrata and a Prosecco for dinner at my favorite NYC restaurant of 2011, Saggio. Motown plays on the PA, the air conditioning is cool but not frigid, and even though my knees bash against the bar uneasily perched on my stool, I’m tipsily diving into my cheese dinner. I always secretly envied women who dined alone, and I’m in good company – two stools away from me, another solitary diner makes idle chat with the bartender between bites of crostini and passages of her book. But it’s not here that I first had this thought.

It was at work, when I was hurling yellow paint onto the floor, where my “canvas” was spread. Barefoot and covered in paint from my fingertips to my toes, I fully enjoyed the moment, wishing I could save it forever. But the thought still came.

Maybe I’ll never be the Paris Hilton I saw on TV in my youth. But I was living in the moment. I enjoyed the hell out of both of these moments.

My new therapist, whom I’ve only seen ONCE, told me something profound: When you’re depressed, you’re living in the past. When you’re anxious, you’re living in the future. The secret is to live in the moment.

Now I’m gonna blow up my mom’s spot: in response to this blog post, she told me she disagreed with my harsh assessment of myself. She knew I was living in the moment because I of how much I enjoyed in life. And I have to admit, with the antidepressant, it’s a lot easier to have moments like this. When I can work confidently without crushing insecurity holding me back. When I can seek out unique experiences without feeling so depressed I can’t leave my apartment.

I really hope to be more successful at enjoyment.

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