I have been a theatre nerd ALL. MY. LIFE. True story: my parents remember me dancing around to “One” from A Chorus Line when I was a toddler, so baby, as long as I could talk, I’ve been a Broadway Baby!

So of course, the first person to really sit me down and teach my about S-E-X was the musical theatre soundtracks of my youth! If you’re like me, and I think you are, then these are the lessons you learned about sex from musical theatre:

The, um, Basics:

Sex is TERRIFYING

Dick ain’t nothin special

“Nice guys” are in fact, the worst

nobody wants to boink in August

the whole, um, vocabulary

puberty is WILD

threesomes?

trying to lock down that commitment can literally kill you

being a slut is fuuuuuun

if you have sex, you will get pregnant and die

but if you do, you must ABSOLUTELY wrap! it! up!