Five New Guided Meditations for when your Old Guided Meditations just aren’t Doing It anymore

 

Guided Meditation #1: For Anger

Put on early-era Britney Spears and pretend to be a backup dancer, in the style of percussive choreographed dance which involves lots of kicks and punches and spins. Turn the music up and close your eyes, and imagine that every time you punch the air, you land a blow on one of Trump’s cabinet members.

 

Guided Meditation #2: For Stress

Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Picture yourself standing in the doorway of a rare museum that only exists in dreams: the Museum of Every Nail Polish Shade Possible. You look down at the bare nails on your hands and a piece of paper materializes in your palm. It’s a golden ticket that entitles you to pick any shade off the shelf and paint your nails with it. Aw, hell yeah.

 

Guided Meditation #3: For Headaches

Close your eyes and imagine that the pain taking up all the space in your head is a cloud that has settled on your brain. Squeeze the muscles in your scalp and force the cloud out through the front of your skull. Imagine seeing it in front of you. She is a cloud made up of all of your angry and worried thoughts that were hurting your brain! Watch the cloud darken, and turn lavender-grey. She grumbles, and a little lightning bolt bleps out. Now she starts to sprinkle rain. Cup your hands and catch it — doesn’t it feel cold and refreshing? Take a drink from your hands and it tastes like “blue”-flavored Kool-Aid. Thank you, angry cloud!

 

Guided Meditation #4: For Internet Trolls

Imagine reaching into your screen to pluck the tweet into the air, in front of you. Spread your fingers apart to make it bigger, then pluck the egg avatar out of the tweet. Hold that egg gently in the palm of your hand, and feel its fragility. Consider the frailty of that egg as a metaphor for the weak person whose words have tried to hurt you. Cradle that egg as long as you like, centering your thoughts on the idea that you hold the power over that egg and its fate. When you’re ready, gently squeeze that egg, harder and harder until you feel the shell crack under the pressure of your fingers. Imagine the yolk of the egg running through your fingers and feel the release of the tension, crumbling the shell between your palm and your fingers as the liquid inside runs over your arms and coats you in relief.

 

Guided Meditation #5: For Sleeplessness

While you are lying awake and staring at the clock, try closing your eyes and imagining a big clock face in front of you. You discover that you can reach out and move the hands. Move the hands forward, clockwise. Move the hands backwards, counterclockwise. As you move the hands backwards, you find that the numbers on the clock have become years: 2017, 2016, 2015, and so on. Move the hands back nine spaces until they point at 2008. Obama has just been elected president! Inhale through your nose, and exhale on the phrase, “Yes We Can.” Inhale, Exhale: “Yes We Can.” Remember what it felt like to fall asleep secure in the idea that you’d wake up the next morning into a sane world. Sweet dreams!

 

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